Fandoms

BLOG ENTRY 1:  Fandoms

Ever get caught up in an online fandom? I did. I'll never do it again. Even though I'm still pretty much caught up in a fandom as I type. I can't seem to break away. I always manage to drift back for some reason. Oh, I keep my distance now. I think it's a safe distance. Any time I get too close or too involved I'm reminded of exactly why I keep my distance. But cold turkey? It's only happened once. I'm proud of that though. I was able to "stay sober" for a good four years.

Then two years ago I got an IM out of the blue:

'Did you see the photos of their reunion?'

'What?!?! No WAY!'

It was that easy. I realized I still gave a shit. Or that one of my favorite real life gossip stories (possibly) kick started a new chapter. More on that later. It was my crack. It is my crack. A lethal mixture of analyzing, over-analyzing, arm-chair psychological profiling and predicting where things may lead sprinkled with some self-admitted wishful thinking that no tv show could compare too. Did I mention it all started with a tv show?

Let's go back about 15 years (yes, I know, scary). I decided to watch a new tv show. I had built in interest in the subject matter thanks to a couple movies and publications. After the first episode the show went on my list of regular schedule viewing. Heck, I needed something to replace my beloved "Cheers".

Midway through the second season I started taping episodes regularly and rewatching them. I was hooked. This show was going to give me everything I ever wanted in a television show. It could be smart, goofy, fun, serious, silly. It was a cross breed of many different genres and it didn't take itself to seriously. It had eye-candy for boys and girls alike (plus I liked that the leads were ethnic looking). It's still one of the best tv romances in my opinion (and I don't consider myself and overly romantic person- I still don't get "An Affair to Remember")

Was it the greatest television show on earth? By all means, no. But to this day, with all its quirks and weaknesses, it remains my favorite. Enough of the lovefest.

Mid-way through third season I bought a computer. I hadn't owned one since high school (yes, I'm that big of a nerd - I owned a computer in the 80s!). I had had experience with BBS's back then. Bulletin Board Systems, a sort of precursor to the internet (although that existed at the time as well). People would set up their computers, where you would dial into them directly and view their sort of "webpage." I ran up quite a phone bill dialing into "Madrona Marsh" in Torrance.

Ok, so those are my geek credentials. My geek best friend use to tell me about the internet all the time. He'd bring over computer magazine articles. Prodigy existed back then and we dreamed of someday being able to subscribe to it. Then I remember the early versions of America Online. So when I got my mid 90s computer (486, natch) I subscribed to AOL. And my world changed overnight...

BLOG ENTRY 2:   I live on the outskirts

 A bit of hyperbole never hurt anyone right? So my world changed overnight. I discovered the wonders of the mid-90s internet. What can I look up next? After about a week online I decided to look for information on my then current favorite TV show. Holy smoke! The Show had its own page on AOL. The Show had fans other than myself! The Show had a chatroom to interact with those fans!

It all seems so commonplace now, but back then? It was mind blowing. I've always been drawn to music/tv/movies that had more cult appeal than mainstream acceptance. And because of that I rarely met anyone who had any interest in the things I liked. Heck, I was lucky if they even heard of the things I liked. It was a lonely world.

I popped into the chatroom and low and behold a group of people just as uncool as me! It became a weekly ritual. After every episode of The Show I'd pop in to the chat. There I met people from all walks of life, all over the United States. It was pretty amazing. All of us sharing our love of The Show with no judgement, no ridicule, no fear of judgement or ridicule.

For the first time in my life I felt it was okay to be geeky. I now had a large circle of aquaintences just as geeky as me. Some would become close friends. In fact my first fandom friend was a nice lady who lived on a melon farm in Indiana. She was a good 15-20 years older than me. Married with three kids. But it didn't matter. In spite of being from a completely different world far removed from her world (hello, Inglewood, CA although at the time The Show was on the air I was living in Louisville, KY) we had a lot in common. We begin emailing and/or IMing each other almost daily.

I made my first gay friend because of The Show. He and I use to gab back and forth about how good looking the male lead was. I know, shocking for me, because I give that actor a hard time now. These were the days before I discovered said actor had a tendency toward occasional douchebaggery. But I will always be thankful for virtually introducing me to my first gay friend and discovering those girly pleasures of talking about guys with other guys.

Good times. Show night chats were a major event. As soon as the credits started to roll, I'd hop on my computer, wait for it to dial up and sign on to AOL, and try to jump in a chatroom, which once it filled with about 32 people, a new chatroom had to be formed. Good old AOL. You would hope you'd get in a room with your friends. Or even better, get in a room with the all knowing god of the fandom.

I suppose every fandom has that person. Fearless leader. The one who seems to know all there is to know about The Show. The one everyone is afraid to talk to. The one who's been there from the beginning, and maintains seniority status among all fans. You only know them by their screenname. And if you were lucky enough to find yourself in a chatroom with them, you were in awe.

You didn't dare speak. You listened. You let his/her minions do the conversing back and forth. Soon you spotted 2nd in command and all higher up mucky mucks who have been around longer than you. But fandom hierarchy is such a funny thing. It really doesn't exist anywhere but in your mind. You eventually realize these people aren't any better or different than you. They're just some other schmuck stuck on a computer in the middle of nowhere too. They've just been around longer.

I have to say, one of the advantages of being in a fandom during internet: mid-90s, was those were more innocent days. The lines between fans and the object of their fandom were a bit more open. That illusion of having personal contact while keeping safe physical distance, I think, worked well for people producing TV shows. They could directly interact with fans, get immediate feedback, all without fear of them showing up at their door the next day. The Show was probably one of the first tv shows to do this.

This also meant writers, producers, even the actors from The Show would occasionally pop into chatrooms. Scarily enough, even un-moderated chatrooms. Of course, you had to be lucky to make the 32 cutoff on AOL. Then word would spread that so and so was in chatroom #3 and you were in chatroom #11 shit out of luck. Hell, it took you 3.2 seconds to log on as soon as the credits rolled,

Join the conversation how'd 10 rooms fill up that fast? (Okay, 3.2 seconds is an exaggeration. We are talking about the days of dial up when you were lucky the first number on the list connected. I'm referring to the 3.2 it took to get off the floor in front of the tv to the computer desk across the room).

Fearless Leader, of course, was always lucky. That's because she actually had a few connections to the show. I'm sure she was told beforehand who might be popping on a given night so she was prepared. Held a space for them, I suppose. Occassionaly you would get lucky in the event you beat your 3.2 second log on record. Then it was all cool beans.

Those were great days. Everything was all good. You felt connected to people in a way you never felt before. You were even connected to the object of your, er, affection in a way that hadn't happened before (or since). Things would turn soon enough. But for a time, it was the best community feeling in the world.

BLOG ENTRY 3:  First Meetings and Fanfic

So one day my first fandom friend invites me to spend a weekend at her farm in Indiana. What to do? What to do? I know I've stressed these were more innocent internet times, but I was still worried. As anyone should be. Even though she and I had gotten to know each other very well through our online correspondence, I did realize I would be taking quite risk in actually meeting her in person. I went with my gut. I didn't sense I was in any danger, but any sign of weirdness and I'd bail out.

She lived about an hour and a half from Louisville. So one Saturday morning I got up, hopped in my car and enjoyed the my little drive through the Indiana country-side. Luckily, my instincts were dead on. My friend was great. She showed me around her small town and around the farm. I had a great big-city-kid-meets-country-folk time. Louisville was different enough for L.A. but this? Polar opposite. And I loved it. That weekend is and will always be a pleasant memory for me.

I wanted to mention something about fanfic. Because what fandom doesn't have fanfic? To be honest, I've never really gotten into the whole fanfic aspect. I've read some and enjoyed it. I've written ONE. I think only two people in the world have read it. Plus its less like fanfic and more a fanscript - totally in line with my Radio/TV/Film major days and my backup dream job: If I couldn't be a musician, I wanted to be Rob Petrie (okay, maybe Sally Rogers - or Laura Petrie with Rob's job. She had nicer clothes).

The best part of fanfic is discovering there are ordinary everyday people out there who are very talented writers. The bad part is there are people out there that are absolutely horrible writers. Sometimes that can be a good thing. I've been swayed by the charms of a horrendously bad fanfic more than once.

The worst part of fanfic is there are supposedly ordinary everyday people out there who choose to express themselves via fanfic - and really express themselves via fanfic! Sheesh! So whatever sick, twisted bits of psychosis ramming their synapses ends up seeping onto the page. WTF? Get a padded room!

Don't get me started with the Mary Sues. Okay, get me started because I find that whole practice sad and hilarious. I know, maybe its just a need for escapism from the banality of life. And isn't it all harmless in the long run? I mean if they don't end up stalkers? They don't, do they?

BLOG ENTRY 4: Never (Again) On A Sunday

There comes a time in every fandom... if you have the "cool," geeky wherewithal to discover the object of your fandom affection in its early, squeaky days...where all good things, and not as good as the first season things, and went downhill when they got them together things, and was total and utter crap in its last few seasons anyway things, come to an end. Yes, that dreaded beast cancellation!

What's even worse is when cancellation is teased about, waved over your head, then hidden from view behind the network's back, only to be waved over your head again. You disregard and disbelieve because you were already guaranteed another season, and you rally with the fantroops to fight for the show only to be brushed aside and the ax comes down for the beheading. It's over and done...whoohoohoo!

Well I sure as hell didn't celebrate. I never felt more powerless. Ok, except for during presidential elections. And when mom told me no, she wouldn't buy me that psychedelic colored ball in the "ball cage" at the grocery store. The then unbeknown to us final season started off with a lot of promise. Especially when that promise was an additional season already signed and sealed. It just had to be delivered once the current one finished. Hiatus and repeat!

But trouble in paradise ensued. You could point to a lot of reasons for the demise. Most would say it was the dreaded "Moonlighting" effect. Get the main characters together and all the sexual tension is gone. Honestly, I believe there was some of that. But I also felt, unlike "Moonlighting" this show was structured in a way it could weather that turn of events. Once Dave and Maddie did the deed you realized, wow, these two are a couple of assholes with nothing more than sexual tension between them. (Apologies to "Moonlighting" fans, but...)

For reals, by that time I was beyond tired of the "Moonlighting" formula. I was so happy a show was going to buck that trend and explore an actual relationship. Plus the main characters had a secret to protect which could serve as plot fodder as well as keep things exciting in a way a lot of other show concepts couldn't. That is if the writers were imaginative enough. At times, they were. After the initial post get together-ing awkwardness, there was a smooth clip of well executed eps.

But of course you lost your audience that was only interested in the tension. And then your network is taken over by a large corporate entertainment conglomerate who decide they want that time slot for their own show. And I'm sure there were some behind the scenes happenings that were starting to put a chink in things (And I say "I'm sure" as in "I know").

The show lost some of its fans and steam, but was still fairly solid. Then there's the 'this was hot shit last year, we've got a new hot shit this year show' that takes another chunk. Then the network does its 3 Card Monty with show time-slots to the point even the regular viewers can no longer have a clue when the show airs. They have the power.

So all of these things contribute in varying degrees. But by this time you start to panic. By this time you're worried. You can't even enjoy the show without biting your nails wondering if these are your last days together or if the promise of a future is sincere. The episodes' weaknesses all of a sudden seem glaring. You're pissed at the writers for not stepping up when things start to slide downhill. What are they doing? What the hell are they doing?

As the last episodes of the season tick away, you hear news from the powers that be. Your show is on the rocks! You take that new fandangle thing called email and along with other fans you spam the hell out of anyone or thing associated with the production of your favorite show. You pool money and take out an ad in Hollywood Reporter and/or Variety. You vow to boycott the show's sponsors, the network's other shows and anything that large corporate entertainment conglomerate produces in the naive belief there is any way possible to avoid everything they produced. They own childhood for chrissakes!

Things came down to the wire for the show. A deadline was set. But there's hope! For their part the producers fight for it. The studio fights for it. It was a battle of the network stars! Except for the network stars...the leads of the show, who were surprisingly quiet as the battle waged...hmm. Nevertheless, the fans, the producers, the studio were David taking on Network Goliath. In fact, even better, you underdog joes had the network surrounded with nowhere to go! Your left flank of lawyers had begun the final assault. Just like a movie! We will prevail!

Um, did anyone ever teach you real life is nothing like a movie? At the last minute, a heroine by the name of Loophole comes to the network's rescue. They get out of their contract. And just like that your show is dead.

BLOG ENTRY 5:  Never (Again) On A Sunday (Again) Part 2

Maybe this one shouldn't be about fandoms and more of a cautionary tale: Never get emotionally attached to a TV show! Yes, life is unfair. No, television networks don't give a shit about your feelings. I don't care how many letters you send, if they want to axe your show, they have every right to axe your show. It's business. It's not personal. Get over yourself.

With that in mind, when The Show was axed, I was actually devastated. Weird. Was I that emotionally attached? Yes, I was *that* emotionally attached. I remember walking around in such a funk after the news had hit. It was like I just broke up with someone. It hurt.

What was I going to do now? My favorite electronically transmitted little friend was gone. My Sunday night ritual was over. But I had my other electronically transmitted friends to commiserate with. Can't really say if that was better or worse. Without those ET friends I would have been alone in my misery. But if I hadn't made those ET friends in the first place, would I have been this wrapped up in a TV show? Something to ponder...

I mean I've had favorite shows before. When they went off the air I was disappointed, but I wasn't downright depressed. I could toss it up to those shows being long in the tooth anyway and were due to be put out to pasture (Cheers should have stopped after season 7*). This time, this Show, I felt, had its life cut short. Only one season short, but short nonetheless. It was still kind of a kid that hadn't quite matured yet (which is kind of a hilarious line if you've figured out what show I'm talking about. HA!)

My funk lasted for a few weeks. But there's something interesting that happens when you pay less attention to the Internet and the fandom that holds your brain captive, and more to your real life. With the show gone I realized my depression wasn't just about the show. My family that I had lived with in Kentucky had decided to move back to California at around the same time. I had decided to stay. I loved (and love) Kentucky. I loved my life there. But I finally realized it was time for me to return to California as well.

Once I made that decision, I started to come out of my funk. It was my first lesson in the dangers of fandoms: They have a tendency to distract your attention from the things you should be working on in your real life. Of course this revelation didn't happen at that moment. It didn't happen overnight. I'd put myself through a lot more drama and ridiculousness within the fandom before I figured that out. Because even though the show was gone, something even more addictive took its place - GOSSIP!

Gossip about The Show became a show of its own. It breathed new life into it somehow. I would get hooked in deeper than ever. But nowhere is the evidence of your fandom addiction more apparent than your willingness to attend fan fests. The Show was gone, but that wasn't going to stop it's plucky fans from continuing the annual celebration of its existence. The Show was gone, but the fans live on! And guess where they usually held The Fanfest shindig...California!

*My golden rule of television - good shows should last no longer than 5 seasons, great shows 7. Think about it. Think of when your favorite show kind of lost it. Now you know whether your favorite show was merely good or great.

BLOG ENTRY 6:  Good Friends and Dirty, Dirty Gossip

With the show dead as a doorknob my attachment to the internet fandom grew even more intense. I had to find solace for my woes. And what better place to share your sorrows than with a group of sad sacks who were also devastated by the loss of The Show.

My best internet/show friend from Indiana and I chatted constantly. And since there were no more episodes of the Show to discuss, we moved on to other Show matters:

'Do you think they were fooling around?' she paraphrased on day.

'I don't know. That just seems so cliche. Co-stars having an affair.' I paraphrased back.

I had never wanted to go there. But ever since Indiana and I had instinctually questioned, suspected and were proved right that the lead actress of The Show had indeed gotten pregnant sometime during the last half of the very last season, I was a little more open to the prospect.

Dangerous territory indeed. For me it meant mixing fantasy with reality and I was too afraid of where that might lead. Sure The Show leads had ridiculously intense chemistry. But whenever that chemistry seemed particularly intense I just chalked it up to acting and the beauty of how some artistic endeavors can take on a magical quality. The Show, as I've mentioned, was by no means the greatest show on TV, it wasn't one you bragged to your friends that you watched (not as an adult anyway), but one thing it truly was - was magical.

The romance that played out on screen was quite captivating. So of course wouldn't it be nice (if we were older...but I digress-damn you Brian Wilson!) Wouldn't it be nice if what we saw on screen were real? There was something about the leads that screamed (or paraphrased, ha!) 'We belong together.' But crossing that little fit into real life meant things weren't so cookie cutter perfect-because she belonged to someone else.

At least in my naivete I didn't brush aside rumors of an affair because the stars were too pure, and too good, and too golden to ever, ever do something so bad and scandalous! Too many fans do that pedestal thing. And when the object of their fan adulation is a person, that person takes on all the qualities of goodness and perfection the fan imagines in their own mind. Not that the person doesn't contain some of those qualities. But in the fan mind they get amplified to god-like status.

It's as if these are the qualities the fan desires in their own life so they get projected on to somebody else, then cubed. Somebody they know because they're broadcast into their living room every week. But somebody distant enough to never disappoint them when they do something that doesn't fit within the desired projection. And boy I have to say I've had quite a few laughs, eye rolls and hair pulling session watching people tap dance around that last one.

Over the years I learned not to do that. I learned the people you admire are just human. And oftentimes if that person were famous for any creative arts (music, singing, acting, etc.) They were far more flaky and unstable than you ever imagined. Its a good bet you might not want associate with such a person in real life. My reference to Brian Wilson a few paragraphs up was no fluke. It's a great lesson to learn - go ahead and admire a person all you want. But be sure to properly place that admiration -their talent. Nothing wrong with that. But don't try to convince me they're the greatest person who ever lived because they aren't. And you really should take a step back if you think they are.

Ok, I've lectured enough for this blog entry. Let's get back to the juice. Indiana's affair question just wouldn't leave her alone. So she did something we were both scared to do - consult the oracle. This would be the consensus Fearless Leader of the Fandom. The one who seemed to know everything. The one everyone seemed to know and hold in such high regard. Brave soldier there, Indiana!

As I had by now a habit of doing, I logged on for my typical evening online. Indiana IMed me.

"Fearless Leader said they were having an affair!"

She then begin to spill a few details she had just learned. And I sat there mouth wide open and gobsmacked. I was shocked. Not shocked because there was an affair, but shocked that I didn't trust my instincts for all of those years. Now it just seemed so obvious what was going on(screen). Ooh this was juicy!

With The Show dead, the AOL chatrooms pretty much died with it. There were a few of us that would still trickle in and hang around. But where did everybody else go? We had heard rumors of a strange land where fans would hang out. A strange land called "IRC." But that would mean venturing out of the safe, vanilla confines of AOL into the wild, untamed real life internet. Scary unfamiliar territory - who knows what could happen to you out there?!?!

But by now Indiana and I had taken our first hit of a new drug - Dirty, dirty gossip! And we wanted more. She convinced me to have a private chat with Fearless Leader on AOL. And I discovered Fearless was not as fearsome as I imagined. She was friendly, intelligent, funny and was full of little tidbits and information about the show. The more she fed us the more we ate it up.

When did it start, why did it start, why did it stop, what was going on now? So many questions, so much new stuff to learn. It was like a detective mystery where we actually got to be the detectives. But it was time we earned our badges. It was time for Indiana and I to leave AOL behind and head for strange new territory...IRC.

BLOG ENTRY 7:  Rocky Top IRC

Where were we?  Internet Relay Chat or IRC seemed like some archaic remnant of the early Internet even way back in the late 90s.  You downloaded a little program that you always intended to pay for but never did. You were confused by all the controls and command lines required for you to operate the thing. But if you had a little bit of the computer geek in you it turned out to be kind of fun. I was slashing ("/") this and slashing ("/") that in no time. There were hundreds of networks to connect to. And within each network hundreds of channels on every topic imaginable. And some topics not so imaginable (seriously, people can be disgusting).

So I had the address for that tiny little corner of the world where all The Show fans had supposedly gone. Would they really be there? Would it be as fun as AOL chats? Would I be able to satiate my newly developed appetite for gossip there? There was only one thing to do...

AAAAAAAHHH!!! The angels sang. And in a split second I had popped into a chat room that had far more fans then I'd ever seen on AOL. I saw some familiar names and not so familiar names. But more importantly I saw talk about The Show. My People! So this is where you've been hanging out!? Joy! And the beauty of it all was everyone could hang out together all at once. One big happy family. I'd never seen this many fans collected within one area online. AOL always limited our numbers in separated rooms. It was amazing.

The conversation could scroll fast and furious, but you learned to keep up. Half the fun was the challenge of keeping up and interjecting some astute observation or witty line within the flow. And there was plenty of both to go around. It was quite the head buzz and intellectual stimulant to stay on top of it all. Aah, the birth of multitasking.

I was stoked. IRC chat sessions seemed to be filled with people every night. Even cooler was the fact I was chatting with people from around the world in real time. AOL put the America in America Online, but IRC was global. I remember going to work and talking about my new friends in Australia or Scotland. I didn't tell my co-workers what my international friends and I talked about, but... at least part of me would seem cool lol

IRC introduced me to more fans than ever. Also more freedom than ever as there were fewer penalties for the occasional blue humor. The channel was moderated by fans who were more lenient than AOL. As long as you didn't personally offend someone you could practically say what ever you wanted. It was a blast. I have to say I was more entertained by the many clever and humorous people trading sharp dialog back and forth on IRC than I was by any comedy coming out of Hollywood.

But as wonderful as IRC was in the beginning, no fandom can help being sectioned off into different camps. While we all shared in the joy of being a fan of The Show, we all had our different reasons for being a fan of The Show. And those differences are bound to raise their head from time to time. You have the fanfic fans, the fans of the stars of the show, the fans of the show by itself, fans of the legacy the show grew out of, and, of course, the fans of dirty, dirty gossip about the show.

Of course there's always some crossover but there are also those times when you find yourself picking sides. At worse (or maybe "at best" in hindsight. Who's to say?) those sectioned off camps can decide to go there own way. And its never pretty.

By the time I joined IRC, I wanted to learn more dirty, dirty gossip. But with this one big happy online chat channel family there were always those who would object to that topic of discussion. It's something they either didn't want to be a part of, didn't believe in or just didn't have an interest in. Understandable. I respect that now, but probably didn't respect that so much then. Thankfully, another advantage of IRC was the ability to easily create a separate chat room on a whim. We could have our slop and wallow in it too.

As we got to know who was into gossip, they would be invited to slip into this alternate universe of gossip chat while maintaining a presence on the main channel. Understandable, right? Those that didn't want any part of this stuff could remain blissfully ignorant. But of course nothing is ever that easy as I would eventually find out. But for now, aaaah, it was sooo good. IRC and chatting about the show wasn't just an every night ritual, I was now on there for hours and hours on end.

I was incorporated into the group of gossips. I learned new clues about The Show, the actors and begin to put together some kind of picture of what really went down behind the scenes and why it may have happened. I was fascinated with figuring out the psychological motivations that may have lead to this. And bouncing ideas and concepts with other interested fans engulfed quite a bit of my life. So much so I decided to venture on a second meeting with people I had only known from the Internet.

This time would be in Tennessee, which was less than a 2 hour drive from Louisville. Indiana and I decided to go, and meet up and stay the night at a hotel with some a few fans from Tennessee and assorted surrounding areas. There wasn't many of us. Maybe five or six. We got to the hotel, got in the room and became fast friends. We got to know each other and gossiped about The Show. It was great.

One gal was a non-stop talker. She was in lust with the male lead, wanted to be a scriptwriter, and of course liked the gossip. Being from L.A. (and soon to return there) and being a wanna be musician myself, I befriended her. I understood the desire to follow a dream (that is the creative writing endeavor not the lusting after the male lead) and wanted to encourage her. Although Non-Stop's constant 'what I would do to that man' comments were often cringe worthy, we became friends. What can I say, I was always a very quiet non-talkative person most of my life, I like people who don't need me to hold up my end of the conversation.

All in all, my second fan meeting turned out great. Had a good time and my enjoyment of the fandom was at an all time high. The only thing that could be better than this was...more.

BLOG ENTRY 8:  Call to meeting the Royal Order of The Fandom Legion (ROTFL)

Am I ready to return to this yet? So distracted right now. But I at least wanted to get something in between posts about my current object of distraction.

My plans to move back home to California worked out just in time for the annual gathering of "The Show"'s fans in July 97. It was an exciting time. I would get to meet a lot of people I only knew on the Internet (in a safe and public environment), show them around my hometown (in my tiny, tiny car) and, even though the show was

[John Facenda NFL Films voice] They all gathered at a hotel in the valley. [/voice]

I already had a place to stay so I commuter school'ed it to ROTFL. Did the meet and greet. There were plans for movie studio tours, 24 hour video room, a banquet, a beach party, an auction, sightseeing, games. Little did I know more than ten years later these plans wouldn't change! But I get ahead of myself. At least back then we went to a television show taping (sitcom), which is cool because its free (especially if it's a show you love, which this wasn't, but what the hell, eh?). Over 80 fans of "The Show" had travelled to this event.

I'm the type of person when others are visiting a major city like Los Angeles for the first time, I want them to see what that place is about. It's famous sites, notable places, anything fun or interesting. As long as they're game. This time I also took the opportunity, after being away for four years, to be a tourist in my own hometown. When there was down time I took Non Stop (my ever talkative, Male Lead obsessed friend from Tennessee) and CMKY (a friend/fan I knew from Kentucky) plus one other person (my ever faulty memory can't recall) around town. I have to admit I got turned around a few times not realizing being away for four years could skew your sense of direction of bit. We didn't care. An adventurous drive around was half the fun.

Of course Non Stop wanted to figure out where Male Lead lived, but they were all too scared to buy a map to celebrities homes you see people selling on random street corners throughout the "Hollywood" area. I did something I thought I'd never do. I said, what the hell, hopped out of the car somewhere along Sunset Blvd in Beverly Hills (not far from Dead Man's curve) and bought one from a street vendor. They scanned the map for Male Lead's whereabouts but fortunately (for him) he was not on the list. All the while we just gabbed about "The Show" and since everyone in the car were unabashed gossipers, we had a grand ole time.

"What if the baby is his?"

There it was. Non Stop decided to go there. And while I was totally entrenched in gossip at this point in my fandomhood, I hadn't quite come to believe things would have gone that far. Male Lead knocking up his married Female Lead? Weren't these people adults? Weren't they at least respectable? Isn't there all sorts of protection available? My god, it's the 90s!

But it was one of those moments. For some reason from the pit of your stomach to the top of your head, you just feel, just know, something is true. You can't explain it because you have no proof. You just know. Or at least feel you know. But. You. Know! It's where instinct kicks in. Or maybe it's just that moment where you put all the puzzle pieces together, and it hits you like a ton of bricks.   My response to Non Stop was "Really? You think so?" The voice in my head was saying "Oh my god, that's his kid!"

Back to the festivities. I had fun at ROTFL '97. By July we had all done our grieving for the loss of the show and could just share in the joy of being in the company of others who shared in the same joy. We got to visit the studio where the show filmed. The interior sets were gone by then but at least the exterior ones were still there. Including a centerpiece mounted on one of the buildings used that was central to the show. Pretty cool to take a picture under it.

I had no close connections with the organizers or the politics or hierarchy of the gathering. I heard afterward some not so very nice comments about the gal who ran it. From my vantage point she seemed okay to me, but maybe that's the beauty of keeping your distance. Didn't matter. It was her last blast for "The Show" as she decided, perhaps wisely, to move on. Please disperse. Nothing more to see here, really.

Fearless Leader was there. Although she was not head organizer as one might expect. If fact she was nothing like what I expected at all. As dominant a presence as she was online, in person was the exact opposite. Like some small, quiet, shadowy figure hanging out in the corners. It was weird. It was my first lesson that an online persona doesn't necessarily translate in real life.

The Internet can make you bolder and more outspoken than you really are. It did for me. But I like to think that bolder more outspoken person just got more incorporated into my real life. To this day I wonder about Fearless Leader. Eventually I would have more dealings with her. I would be part of her undying devotees until I realized what she was doing to people was kind of fucked up. But that's for a later blog. This tiny shadowy figure from Backwoods, USA would dominate the online fandom for many years to come. And she would play people against each other like some weird, twisted chess game. I kind of wonder if she stuck around the fandom so long because she got off on that. Maybe that's the appeal of heading up a fandom long after the reason you became a fan is dead and gone. Definitely something to ponder...

After all the fun of '97, and with the departure of the one person who had organized all the previous gatherings, we all wondered if this would be the last blast or would there still be enough interest to put together something like this in the future? Well, ROTFL would live to see another day. And another. And another. And another. Plus a few interesting non-official gatherings would pop up in the intervening time. We've only just begun, my friends. We've only just begun.

(Heh, now I got Karen Carpenter stuck in your head)

BLOG ENTRY 9:  Splits and Cliques

With ROTFL 97 behind me, it was back on IRC. For hours. Just chatting away and neglecting other things in my life. Of course, I wouldn't notice that until later. It didn't (or did) help that I had started work in a corporate job that was hell for me (I'm just not corporate material). My time spent on IRC blowing off steam was beneficial for now.

We all collided in one channel, which by this time was starting to show cracks from the impact. Discussions of the show continued combined with discussions of fanfic and wink wink nudge nudge snarky comments referring to the gossip. The fic'ers and show'ers were getting sick of us. Which, in hindsight, I totally see how that can be annoying. You're trying to have a straightforward conversation and there's always that one group of people who have a smart ass response referring to something you don't believe in, care about, and know they have no proof to back it up.

In our defense, those fans who tended to place the show stars on a pedastool were always fic'ers and show'ers. Blinders. Rose colored glasses. Head in the sand. Whatever your choice of willful suspension of belief, I wanted to know the truth, no matter how ugly it got. I always thought of it as the healthier path. The fewer illusions I had, the less disappointed I'd be. Real life can be, and is, ugly sometimes.

During the times the channel didn't feel safe for gossips, we got in the habit of opening a separate channel. That way we could keep our snide remarks there. And while I'll take the hit for being kind of obnoxious about gossip on occasion, the others have to take a hit for this - you can't complain about gossip being on the main channel and then complain about people popping into a second channel to have a conversation you didn't want to be part of in the first place!

Their complaints didn't stop us. In fact it compelled us to make that second channel permanent. Non Stop Talk dubbed it after Male Lead's (sort of) nickname (shock, I know). We declared our gossip independence. The separate channel became official and anyone who /join 'ed in had to understand what they were getting into. Don't join a gossip channel if you don't like the gossip.

The two channels co-existed for a long time. Most of us popping in both at the same time. Eventually, however, Channel MaleLead-o, the gossip channel, grew more popular than The Show Channel. More and more people increasingly hung out there and less in the old channel. Of course with this happening, complaints about gossip would fire up again. But this time we had the right to smack them down. There was a definite sense of wanting to hang out where all the cool kids hung out.

Who'd have guessed with the fandom already split into three cliques as it was, that yet another one was forming. This one was in total secret and had probably been going on for a few weeks without my knowledge whatsoever. As big a gossip as I was (and I had become one of the main culprits on IRC by this time) I didn't have clue about its existence.

One day I got an email out of the blue. It was an invitation to join this exclusive gossip group within the fandom's own gossip group. There were 10 to 15 members by the time I was invited to join. These members weren't just made up of fans who just liked to gossip, but fans who had some kind of connection to The Show, it's stars, were eye witnesses to events, or knew people who knew people, etc.

One of these people who had connections had decided to do some detective work, cull the resources from other connected fans and put all this information into some kind of order. Luckily it was a person I had befriended when she decided to move to Los Angeles and I was able to offer her some advice and encouragement. I don't really know why she invited me in this group since I didn't have any connections or info. Maybe it was because I was working part time as transcriber at "Hard Copy" or just my proximity to those involved because I lived in LA. Anyway, I feel I did my share either sharing my perspective on things or going on "spy" missions for the group whenever one of the stars was making an appearance somewhere.

The group existed as a way for those connected/eye witness members to feel free and safe to discuss what they knew/experienced/heard without fear that their words would get back to their sources. By then we had learned the early lessons of how stuff shared on the internet could spread. The group's expansion ended at 17. Our main form of contact was through email, and occasionally an even more private gossip chat that #MaleLead-o. The group contained a cast of characters who would play important role in the fandom drama for the next few years. Fearless Leader was there. As were others who I now need to make up nicknames for lol. Dammit. Think I'll tackle that in the next fandom post.

Over the years members would leave for various reasons, and would be replaced by others who we felt offered, maybe not connections so much, but interesting insight. However, the number stayed at 17 in order to keep things under control. We did not discuss the group outside the group. Nor the materials that had been gathered. Nor the discussions that went on between us. It was very 'first rule of fight club is you don't talk about fight club.' I'm not sure how well we all kept those secrets. But to this day it seems as if the majority of the detailed info is still not widely known among the fandom.

I know I had my slip ups, but fortunately I entrusted certain info with people I felt could trust. A couple of whom eventually became part of the group. And since the sordid details remain fairly under wraps to this day, I guess I entrusted the right people. I think it had to do with even though we enjoyed the salacious, scandalous stuff about The Show's stars, really and truly we were rooting for them. We sincerely wanted them to find happiness in their real lives. With each other, yeah, but, for all their faults, insecurities, dumb decisions and bad behavior, we felt they were two people who at their core had good hearts. Who wouldn't root for that?

BLOG ENTRY 10:  Spy Missions

When I last left you I had been recruited into a secret online organization within The Fandom. I was also suppose to come up with some nicknames for group members, wasn't I? Oh dear.

XFP - was my new friend and the one who had invited me into the group. XF was also responsible for detective work in gathering and organizing gossip about The Show.

Fearless Leader - whom we've met before. Deep contacts. Lots of online power. (itty bitty tiny living space - couldn't resist that Aladdin reference).

Sidekick - Fearless Leader's best online friend and another person with industry contacts that provided info about The Show's stars. Also provided great observations in general. Those two seemed inseparable, so when they eventually had a falling out, it was shocking, and well, not shocking. By that time I'd had enough experience with Fearless to know her ability to push people away. But that's for a future blog post.

McMel - an L.A. resident who like me was along for the ride. McMel along with XFP, a few others and myself would share many fun and interesting fandom adventures in L.A. ...until things started to get weird.

Phide - The Windy City played a big roll in the gossip about The Show. Thankfully, we had a few peeps with more personal connections there. I don't get to talk to Phide as much these days but we're still good friends.

Granny Cool - I don't think I spent as much time with anyone in the group as I did with Granny Cool. We had a great, close relationship for many, many years. However, as I felt the need to pull away from the fandom, that meant pulling away from Granny Cool as well. Granny Cool remains tied to it still and that means revisiting some things I'd rather not whenever we talk. Plus once you get that deep, things start getting weird. Sorry Granny Cool.

ChiTownJ - There's that Midwest connection again. CTJ had one of the best gossip stories about The Show's stars made all the better because she was there.

Ficsh, Fickb, ERG, Saz, Weeb and Koth again were like me - curious bystanders offering up interesting takes on the situation.

Anovel - another curious bystander, but she would be involved in some intersting turn of events as far as The Group is concerned.

Non Stop Talk - we've met before as well.

LS - Who I'm thankful I got to meet in person and hang out with for a few days. And who's life now reminds me after all the nonsense that went on, to keep this stuff in perspective. And to reemember no matter what ultimately happened between us all, to have compassion, love and respect for the people you cross paths with in life.

Okay, that's more or less The Group as it was in the beginning. Besides our private emails many of us would be on IRC practically every night. Fun times. As the gossip flowed I was encouraged to take on a new role. I'd joke about running around L.A. and spying on the guilty parties. But then it became difficult to tell who was joking and who was seriously cheering me on to do it. You know what? I didn't care. I said what the hell, I'm just going to observe.

One of my first missions was a movie premiere for Female Lead. She'd landed a role in a franchise and was touting it as her next great career move beyond the stupid show that I'd lovingly devoted 4 years of my tv viewing life too. Thanks for the love! She would later eat those words - and to her credit accepted every bite of that piece of humble pie.

The mission was the movie premiere. It was Female Lead's first public appearance since the end of the show, beginning of the baby of questionable parentage. I took a video camera and hopped in my car. Found a spot in the distance and filmed whatever I could see. What was I expecting? Why go through the trouble? I have no idea. Curiosity about this soap opera got the best of me, I suppose. I think I was curious if the subtext I was picking up on through TV and print interviews with the guilty parties involved translated themselves into real life. She was with her husband, and they looked fairly happy. I didn't see anything wrong between the two of them. What the hell was I doing here? Am I a stalker now? Or worse, paparazzi?

I didn't have much to report back to the gossip channel on IRC or The Group. But once the official publicity photos from the event were published, there were many things picked apart and commented on. Strange. I saw nothing out of the ordinary, but looking at photos after the fact and chatting it up online, I saw all kinds of stuff. I had no idea I was surrounded by so many body language experts.

They taught me a lot. One of the main things is you can rarely take the Hollywood set at face value. Doesn't matter what camera is on, they will perform for it and paint the picture of what they'd like you to see. You have to look deeper. Of course the trick is not reading too much into things as well. I was on the fence after this experience. I saw one thing in person and something else in photos. It was perplexing, but the photos eventually won me over.

There's just something about capturing a moment...jb

BLOG ENTRY 11:  Fandoms: I Am A Camera, I Am A Bar in Burbank

Which came first? I think the Broadway show did. For my next spy mission I would have accompaniment. I would never walk alone...again. (Okay, not exactly true, I did get talked into a little surveillance from my car during rehearsals for...) Female Lead had landed the lead role in the touring company of a Broadway musical. First stop L.A. This called for a gathering of the locals plus the hosting of those who wanted to pop into town to catch le show. A mini-ROTFL if you will.

Only this time things would be a little less formal. XFP, McMel and myself were the locals. Granny Cool was in driving distance and we had others flying in so we arranged to make the best of it. Little sight seeing tours, 'doing lunch' L.A. style and for the final act going to see Female Lead in the show - and hopefully catching something gossip worthy in the process.

But this is the point where The Fandom Turns. I'm not sure how or why (okay, maybe I do know 'how' or I wouldn't be writing this blog), and I don't know how much I can rely on as truth or what was misinterpretation of actions. I'm a little gray in this area because eventually I would see these types of accusations pop up again and again within The Fandom over the years.

Originally we all gathered at XFP's Westside apartment...which was curiously located near a Mail Boxes Etc. Male Lead had listed as an address once. Hmm... We had a great afternoon chatting away The Show, gossip, the usual. The gang of locals and travelers were making plans to do a variety of tourist-y things. I had decided, even though I have the most non-conformist job in the world, to stay at work for the most of it. Something about non-conformist jobs that make you conform to it a bit more. Don't want to abuse the privilege and all.

One suggestion I made was that we "do lunch" at a cafe not far from my office. I've always called the place ground zero for L.A. culture - lots of seemingly jobless people sitting around all day ordering organic, sipping the world's strongest lattes and reading scripts. Seriously, people, Why. Don't. You. Work?!?!

I think most of the group enjoyed it. XFP told me I wasn't kidding with my ground zero comment. She then proceeded to have fun with it donning a cap, sunglasses AND script to fit in. She fit in so well it was hilarious. LS who had flown in for our festivities really had fun at the cafe. We had a great many laughs over it while enjoying it at the same time. She liked the food and the coffee and was tempted to purchase a cafe coffee mug until she saw the price tag. Back on the shelf with you, mug!

The next day they had something planned. I was at work but I get a call from Granny Cool. She had driven a couple hours to join the group, but somehow they managed to alienate her. Treat her like she was never part of their plans at all. I'm like, dude, you drove a couple hours to be here! I invited her to hang out at work with me for the day while they "toured". She wasn't happy. She was suppose to connect with LS that day, but LS had been kidnapped with the rest.

After their tourist-ing was done, LS, Granny Cool and I went to my apartment on the more Eastside of town. LS gave me an ear full. She related that the others had treated Granny Cool pretty rudely. Kind of brushed her off and went on their way. I was shocked. I didn't get it at all. LS felt bad because this put her in the middle of things and she wasn't being treated exactly nicely either. I believe that night was suppose to be the culmination of the gathering - Female Lead's show which we were all attending.

Showtime on Wilshire. The group which had such great fun at XFP's place not a day or two before was fractured down the middle. It didn't help we managed to be in separate sections of the theater as well, and split in the exact groups we had come to form. We didn't see the others for the bulk of the show, and only caught up with them afterward when a plan was hatched to hang out at the stage door to catch a glimpse of Female Lead.

I don't know about you but I'm usually weirded out about meeting celebrities. There's an unspoken L.A. code (or use to be) where if you see one, you just leave them alone. Pretend like it's no big deal that such and such famous star just passed by you on the sidewalk. Pretend like, yeah, I'm just as important as they are, I'm not fawning over them! Or I'm sure they get bugged all the time, so when they're out doing something normal, let them have that normal time.

This long explanation was brought to you just to state I kind of hung back and away from the stage door at the back of the theater and let the others try to have their moment. Does that make me a bad spy? I mean I kept my eye pealed for anything gossip worthy I can run to IRC with, but I held back. The vibe among the group once we were all together again was a bit strange. Was I reading into it now what Granny Cool and LS had told me? Or was I noticing for the first time there was something not quite right about XFP and the others? They seemed a little more aloof. Still friendly, but a bit aloof. What was sad was that pretty much all of us where part of The Secret Gossip Group that had formed recently.

As for Target: Female Lead? I think somebody caught a glimpse of her as she headed to the opposite stage door. Not to worry. Some of the others would return to attend another performance and had better luck catching Female Lead after the act. One half assed try was enough for me.

Granny Cool would drive back her two hours south. LS would hop a plane home but we'd still share the occasional laugh about the weekend through email. I had always wanted to buy that cafe mug, wrap it up and mail it to her as a surprise to give her a good giggle. I'm deeply regretful I never did. This should have been my first lesson not to let petty little things get in the way of friendships. Within a year, LS would commit suicide.

BLOG ENTRY 12:  Okay, Now I'm A Bar In Burbank

 I didn't quite get around to this part of the story in my last post. Basically I didn't realize I had so much to say about going to see 'Camera' and all the "fun" that was.

After the show left town and went on it's merry way across the country (for other fandom members to see and report back about), the L.A. crew was left with little to do. That is until the ever resourceful XFP made a new discovery. Male Lead had a brother who was a musician, and his band was known to perform in the local clubs. Interesting...

So did I find this interesting because I had recently joined a band and started playing the local clubs, or because if we found out the name of Bro Lead's band and where they might be playing, what was the off chance we'd run into Male Lead? Probably both. Of course the music snob in me wanted to see if they were any good. Add a chance to spy on top of that? SCORE!

XFP did not fail. In the next few weeks she not only found out the name of the band, she discovered they were playing at, wait for it, a bar in Burbank! (got chills, didn't ya?). A plan was hatched (cough). The L.A. Contingent would go to the gig in glam ass Burbank. And who knows, maybe we'd see a certain TV star there as well. It could happen!

That was in interesting day. And I'll admit to it. I had a weird buzz of excitement going all that day. Strange. I couldn't really attribute this excitement to our plans. I was in a band, so seeing other bands play was no big deal. I was a fan of The Show more than I was of Male Lead, so what if there was a slim possibility he'd be there? But buzzed I was. Like you could feel static electricity coursing just above my skin. It's the feeling you get (or at least I get sometimes) when something special is going to happen. You don't know what at the time, but once it happens, your buzz makes total sense.

XFP, McMel and I (and maybe Anovel, who may have been in town at the time - my memory is a little fuzzy) met at the bar. We got there a bit early, ate a little dinner, had a few laughs and waited for the band to show up. Being early, meant we had our pick of seats. Good thing too because that place begin to fill up. Burbank? Who knew?

All the while we kept our eyes pealed and the gossip flowing. We start to see a few guys set up music equipment, and kept our eyes out for one who may look like Male Lead. At some point we spotted him. Thinner than his famous brother. And at certain angles you could see some resemblance but he was nothing like I had expected. Or maybe I was distracted by the band's lead singer because, damn, he was cheezy! The tight leather pants, the shirt opened to there. Not a bad looking guy, but all that fromage was distracting this far west of Vegas.

Is it me or did more people just show up at the little bar that could in Burbank? Are Cheezy Cheeze and the Rockin' Brother Crew that good? If so, how come I never heard of them. Finally a 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 and it's showtime! CC and the RBC crank it up, get the crowd going with some... COVER TUNES!?!? WTF!?!?

Okay, that's the total music snob in me. But a wise musician once told me (okay, it was just my cousin who's been a successful musician since the late 60s and played with some legends in Rock history) write and play your own songs! Don't play anyone else's. I took that to heart. I'm glad I did because then I discovered the joy and catharsis of songwriting. But this blog is not about me. Well it is about me but not to bore you with tales of songwriting. It's about my adventures in Fandomland, Yeah! But this adventure hit a snag early for me.

For all the cheeze of lead Cheezy's performance, and my inability to get excited for cover versions of "My Sharona" and "Play That Funky Music, White Boy" (Yes. Really.) I have to say, the musicians in this band were good musicians. Solid musicianship and skills. But I wanted to hear some of their original material. That would be the true test. Lucky for me, Cheeze and the Gang would be playing three 45 minute sets of covers! Woot. But they promised to throw in an original tune here and there. Can you see me rubbing my hands together? Now we're getting somewhere!

Early in the second set they throw in an original. Catchy stuff, but not all that compelling. I'd expect more bite from guys their age. The rest of the L.A. Fandom Contingent ate. it. up! They were loving the cover tunes. They were loving the original stuff. McMel was starting a special love of her own. She couldn't take her eyes off Bro Lead. The crowd was having a good time. I was thinking, uh, are we staying for all three sets? (Checks watch)

But it was a good thing we did though. Because at some point between set number two and set number three, Male Lead arrived. Surprise, surprise. And I was surprised at myself when I had a whoa moment. As tired as I was of rolling my eyes anytime one of his female fandom followers waxed dreamy-sexy-wistful-erotic about him, seeing him in person that first time was kind of cool. The excited buzz I felt all day kicked up a notch. I'd never feel that way about him again when I saw him in person, but him showing up out of the blue at a bar in Burbank made the night kind of special.

Even more special for gossipy little me was when Male Lead was overheard answering questions about if his former co-star was as good in bed as she looked? His response? Better.*

 *here's more of my fuzzy memory - I'm not clear if XFP said he was overheard making this comment or if it popped up as a gossip blind item a few weeks later or both. I'm leaning towards both, actually.

BLOG ENTRY 13:  Back in the USS-IRC

 You know probably the hardest part writing about this saga has been racking my brain to make sure I get the facts straight and the time line (hic) right. Add to that being born under the fabulous but 'tends to be a tad scatterbrained' sign of Sag. It's organized chaos, I tell you! But there's a method to the madness, I just have to rediscover that method each and every time. You should see the yellow sheet of note paper I've been scribbling on for the last hour (where's a Tron poster when you need one).

Our little band adventure had gone well the first time out. In fact if it would have ended there, it would be a nice little wrap up to this saga. But, of course, it wouldn't end there because the surest thing about fandoms is not knowing when to stop.

In the meantime it was back to IRC for more hours of fun and frolic. Part of that fun and frolic was a little fanfic live action. I've never been too into fanfic, although I've read my share and enjoyed it. I suppose fanfic live, the writing of fanfic in real time on a chat channel usually with different chatters taking turns adding to the story, was just another way to keep The Show alive. These were regularly scheduled events in the main channel, but of course, I never really bothered with those. I was more interested in the rather dirty stuff that would break out at random in the gossip channel.

What that says about me I'm afraid to ask myself lol. I was never one of the writers - fiction is not my strength, nor is dirty. But snide and snarky remarks in between the lines? I'm your gal! For off the cuff hot and dirty fiction, McMel, in particular, was the ace.

I liked McMel a lot. She was a fun, young married mother of two. An educator by trade, and only a few years older than me, I believe. She lived in the rarely referred to Eastside of L.A. like I did (Westsiders make all the noise, but blah, they can have their traffic, fancy digs, culture, beach access and bombast. Eastside is cool and artsy...and, ok, less safe as well.) Plus she was a diehard gossip. We got along great. She was cool.

What I didn't see coming was how she would change. Do people really change or do you just discover another truthful side of their personality? (And why do I sound like Carry Bradshaw all of a sudden?) When we had gone to see Bro Lead's band, I made a comment to McMel that Bro had what I call "guitarist fingers." Something I noticed one day watching clips of Jimi Hendrix - he had long slender fingers. I'd notice this on other guitarist as well and wonder if this is what them really good players. Since I have rather short fingers, it may explain why I'm better at bass.

McMel soaked up my little observation but I had no inkling what she was going to do with it. We were always game for a little McMel dirty fic - live or memorex. One day she told us she had written something new. Great! Except this time it was a fic about a musician and his slender guitarist fingers. Oh dear.

(and at this point I really wish I would have come up with better nicknames for this saga - sheesh!)

So she shared. I read and, uh, it was well written, if a little uncomfortable in that special way only a Mary Sue fic can make you feel. Oookay. I think I convinced myself this was a one off thing for her and brushed it aside.

However, the band had another gig scheduled. And of course the L.A. Contingent started making plans. Should I stay or should I go? This time the gig was at some location that seemed far out and unfamiliar (where the hell was that again? See? Sag brain.) I debated. I wasn't all excited to see them play more Third Eye Blind and Matchbox 20 covers. But, hanging out with the gals at a club instead of sitting home on IRC for hours on a Friday night seemed like the lesser of two evils. I'd like to pretend I at least have a social life.

Two things stand out for me from this night. The band playing the exact same cover songs in the same exact order as before. And going to pick up McMel before the show. I'll get the torture out of the way first. I wasn't all that keen to stay and see the band play their complete show the first time we went to see them. I wasn't into the popular tunes of the day (shout out, late 90s) and the lack of original material to chew on left me bored for the most part. Then they had to go commit the crime of not changing their set list around at all. Okay, so that was a big deal with my band. We'd always try to figure out a different set list for each gig. Same songs. Just different order. Kept things fresh for us. Plus a challenge to make sure the songs still have a natural flow from one into the other.

So Snobby McMusicSnobberson here, of course, had to be an ass about it. Well, I don't think I was publicly an ass, but in my head... I didn't know how much more I'd be able to take. The other gals were clearly very into this band and I ... wasn't. I could see my future if I let this continue. They'd want to go out every time the band played and my social life would be tied to following a cover bar band with the world's cheeziest lead singer. I had my own kickass, more musically interesting and challenging band to tend to. I was going to have to put a stop to this. In the meantime I kept myself entertained watching what types of vapid skanks would wiggle themselves in front of a cover band at a bar in the middle of nowhere.

But let's now set the WayBack machine to the time before the show - when we went to pick up McMel. If I had brushed off her special fanfic she shared with us, the next scene branded itself in my head for good. We went to pick her up at her home. Waiting outside in the car for her, looking towards her home, I remember seeing her two young kids and her husband in the doorway as she was leaving. The situation looked uncomfortable. And I can only imagine what was being discussed, but it had the vibe of 'You're going out to see this band again?' 'F*ck it. Yes, I am. Take care of the kids. I'll see you later.' Yikes? (And is life really like a Kenny Rogers song?)

I would never have the same kind of fun, gossipy rapport I had had with McMel from that point on. Another fandom split was on the horizon as well which would sweep McMel up with it and place us on opposing sides. To which my snide and snarky commenting self couldn't leave well enough alone between the fiction lines and started to rip through people I once called friends. Now, THAT, is being an ass.

BLOG ENTRY 14:  The Great Bandom Adventures

You may be noticing a sudden shift. A shift not only of mind but of consciousness. What the hell that's suppose to mean, I don't know. I just felt like channeling my inner Rod Serling. But to pretend we're only now entering The Twilight Zone would be laughable. I think we stepped into that dimension a loooong way back.

However, a shift, she was happening. Focus on Bro Lead's band seemed to be taking over what used to be our unhealthy obsession for The Show. Well, for some of us it was taking over. So I didn't feel left out, the L.A. Contingent threw me a bone and said they would come to one of my band's shows as well. Nice of them.

I warned them though. My band at the time was on the musically adventurous side and not as easy to swallow as Cheezwood Mac. I didn't expect them to fawn over what we did or even like us. We weren't for everyone, but I appreciated the support just the same. This time Granny Cool would be joining them. The more the merrier (and the better for our take at the door).

On a side note I want to mention how I had begun visiting Granny Cool in Southern Southern Cal. My transition from Big Mayberry Louisville back to Los Angeles hadn't been easy. L.A. is a busy, noisy, overpopulated with people and cars, place. Granny Cool had opened her home inviting fellow fans down to basically slumber party at her house. It was a weekend of getting away to far less crazy SD to sort of defrag, stay up late, IRC and gossip.

Granny Cool is an older lady, closer to my Mom's age than mine, but one who had been computer savvy for a long time (my Mom is not, which I'd like to do something about.) Her family was nice, in a funny dysfunctional way. Her husband was of the hilariously brusque no nonsense say what's on your mind variety (some of my favorite people in the world are like that.) They all didn't seem to mind that their wife and matriarch invited all these strangers into her home. Actually, thinking back, they seemed kind of use to it. Hmmm...

Anyway, I do thank her for the weekends away. They were fun and allowed me some reprieve as I re-adapted to life in L.A. And I thought it was great that for, lets say, a mature woman, she was more than willing to go out to hear screeching loud rock bands play. She told me her kids use to be in bands when they were younger and she loved it. I thought she may have been one of the coolest mom's ever (especially since my parents were always trying to steer me away from music when I was younger.)

This particular week both my band and Bro Lead's band had shows scheduled so Granny Cool could hit a two-fer. In fact it may have been the same night. I decided to pass on going to see Bro's band in the guise of concentrating on my band's show. The rest of the gang we're going to catch my one and only set and then head to Burbank to catch BLC's remaining two of covers tunes and deep fried appetizers. Fair enough. Plus "867-5309" must live on!

At some point in the evening XFP, McMel, Granny Cool and I were able to sit down in the relative early quiet of the club where my band was booked to play. XFP and McMel had a bit of news for us. They, along with Anovel had come up with a business idea. They were going to form an entity to help promote Bro Lead's band. WhatThaWhat?!?!

I tried to take it all in. Get my head around it. Okay, we were living in the new and ever expanding internet age. MP3s were changing the way people listened to music already, plus I could see exploring the potential of using the internet to promote independent, unsigned acts such as Bro Lead's and my own without having to rely on the standard 'I hope a record company discovers, signs and promotes us to fame and fortune' needle in a haystack route.

They were my friends, I wanted to support them. And they were willing to throw me another bone, as in if this thing worked they could promote my band too. I was all for anything that would help, really. But as if this wasn't enough of a curve ball from out of the blue already they made another announcement - since they'd be promoting Bro Lead's band, and dealing with Male Lead directly as hewas their manager (convenient), they would have to part ways with the Secret Gossip Society. Conflict of interest and all.

Turns out they had already drafted a proposal and sent it to Male Lead for his perusal and consideration (I wasn't kidding about XFP being resourceful.) They asked Granny Cool and I not to mention anything to others in the SGS. They would be making a formal announcement of their departure soon.

I took none of this stuff personally. It was a little strange they were suddenly so inspired by Cheeze the Wet Sprocket to basically form a PR company around them. And with no experience in PR to boot. But I thought, hey, maybe they could be internet promotion innovators? Aren't we always hearing success stories about people who started from square none? Sail on, sailor.

About a week later their formal announcements came one after another through the SGS Email Network. What I hadn't expected was Fearless Leader's reaction to their "resignations." She. Was. Pissed. And suspicious. And betrayed. And was all what the f*ck is going on? She read their whole departure and something far more nefarious than I did. Maybe it was from battle scars and post traumatic stress from other splits within the fandom. Maybe it was because XFP, McMel and Anovel had sent their emails in and peaced out without further explanation. It was left to Granny Cool and I to explain what the others had told us at my show. Not. Fun. Especially because I really didn't see anything wrong with what they were doing (even though there was something very obviously wrong with what they were doing but benefit of the doubt and all.)

Fearless Leader wasn't accepting any explanations. Hell hath no fury... may be an understatement for how she reacted. But from then on she seemed determined to villify the three of them. And being the Fandom lemmings we were by this time, and against any better judgement, many of us got sucked right along.

BLOG ENTRY 15:  The Rise of the MLC

Some leave. Some join. Sunrise. Sunset. Or should that be the other way around? With the departure of XFP, McMel and Anovel from the Super Secret Fandom Gossip Group, those of us remaining decided to nominate replacements. On a side note, I should mention one member had already left us fairly early on. Saz was a good friend of XFP when they both lived on the East Coast. Nothing dramatic about her departure. She left with little fanfare announcing she didn't have the time or enough interest to continue. She then quietly dropped out. No ruffled feathers or sh*t hitting the fan.

I nominated UKnOZ. She was my new gossip buddy living all the way on the other side of the world. She was as bad a gossip hound as I was and it was always difficult when we discussed the goss not to cross the line and tell her too much. It was such a relief when the group accepted her in. She was a great fit. And I wouldn't have to be cagey about sharing information with her anymore. Phew!

A couple others were added to the group as well at this time but while their contributions to our discussions were great, they really don't play any significant role in the tales of bizarreness yet to come. Thankfully, that saves me from having to invent nicknames for them. Double phew!

While the PR Trio were gone from the secret group, they still remained active on the general gossip and non-gossip message boards and chat channels. Now whether they were made to feel welcome is a different story. Slowly the ostracising begin. Usually with snide remarks being made about them whenever they weren't online. Then they started to become the butt of jokes. Fearless Leader flexing her leadership skills, venting her anger, and exacting her revenge. Many of us ... I dunno, guilty of group think? Mean Girl-itis? Just wanting to make sure we fit in with the "in" crowd?... joined in with the growing nastiness.

I had a twinge of consciousness when this all started. Early on I tried to defend the PRT's motivations. I was coming from the perspective that these were people I knew in person. They were real life friends to me. I really only had an online relationship with Fearless. Where should one cast your allegiance? But the longer you hang around IRC, the easier it is to be convinced of the group think. And the group thought the Trio's only real plan was to find ways go get closer to Male Lead. For that they must pay! Why? Who knows?

To be honest, as events progressed, it did look more and more as if that was PR Trio's main motivation. I never really saw any results from their efforts to promote the band, unless you count them regularly attending their shows. One thing I'm curious about now is if their promotion proposal extended beyond the band and music in general.

Not long after their departure a new website was launched. The MLC would include all news, updates, career retrospective, and in effect be an online promotional presence for Male Lead. It was everything and anything about him. Droolers welcome, Gossip wasn't. As you can imagine, I wouldn't be spending much time there.

While this new website wasn't officially run by any of the three that left our group, they were quite obviously consultants to the webmaster. Were they a direct pipeline to Male Lead himself as far as career info goes? I still really don't know, but I wonder if it could have been part of their deal?

At least his fans were thrilled. For too long they had to deal with people, well, the likes of me, constantly poking a reality pin in their fantasy balloon. Here they could go and share their love, fantasy, obsession with his Maleness openly and without fear of judgement. Fair enough. If posting pics of Male Lead holding puppies gets you all dreamy eyed and swoony, why not have a place to be free to express that?

Except we're dealing with fandoms here. And there are always those few who are this close (holding up my index finger to my thumb here) to crossing into stalker territory. You just never know. Male Lead hasn't had to put out any restraining orders over the years (that I know of) but there have been a few brazen acts pulled by fans. Frankly, a few of them scared me.

Back on IRC with Fearless Leader and the others, I would "see the light" and stop my defensive arguments. I would join in the making jokes and remarks behind others backs. Made all the more easy by the rise of the MLC, which served another purpose any time we wanted to have a laugh and an eye roll watching grown ups find their inner 12 year olds. Soon the behind the back chatter would turn into uncomfortable exchanges when any of the Trio members were on IRC. Then the weird silences once they popped in channel (yeah, so obvious we were just talking about them.) It got to the point where people got bolder and more openly accusatory. I seem to remember McMel being driven from the channel in tears, never to return.

But Fearless Leader was different. She had a special skill - the cryptic insult. She could drop a seemingly innocent phrase to the untrained eye that was full of biting, bitchy, scurrilous references about someone. The art of the in joke insult. Those who knew roared with laughter and then joined in. Those who didn't, didn't have a clue. Those who were the target were furious and eventually left (or were pushed out) of the fandom for good. Although I have to say, XFP, not surprisingly, didn't go without some stealth acts of her own.

BLOG ENTRY 16:  Grope Me In St. Louis

 For all the talk of The Fandom being about The Show there sure was a lot of attention focused on Male Lead. I find that interesting. Is it because The Show appealed more to females? However, this pattern of behavior was not unique to The Fandom. In fact there was a great article I discovered just around the time I bowed out about The female cults that build up around male celebrities. What is it with guys with fading fame and popularity? There would always be some coven to catch them as they fell.

By now XFP and the others pretty much knew they were no longer welcome at their old Fandom haunts. Or maybe I should say no longer made to feel welcome. It was okay, there were other places to maintain Fandom devotion while avoiding the toxic crew I continued to hang around with. Of course there was the MLC. Then there was Sidekick's (Fearless Leaders online "best" friend) message board. (Actually Sidekick's MB existed before Fearless got her own set of wheels).

Anovel devoted more and more time to those two places. McMel's online presence diminished to near nothingness. But the mercurial XFP was leading a double life. Her public face was at the MLC posting positive about Male Lead. Something about those posts always rang fake. Not in the 'she's lying' kind of fake, but of the 'she's trying too hard' kind. Very publicist-y. She was trying to impress somebody -Either his fans or the man himself.

It's amazing what lengths a person will go to do that. Scratch that. Change "persons" to a "{gaggle of crazed hormonal women looking for the fountain of god knows what in the 6ft muscular frame of a man." Yeah, I ain't typing that again lol. An event presented itself. Male Lead had been a little dodgy about appearances post-The Show. Especially since latching on to an up and coming young singer and making her his almost future child bride. Around this time there was trouble in pre-marital paradise. Their relationship was so obviously a rebound from the whole Female Lead fiasco. Gossip-wise, we were just waiting for the day the split was announced.

He was scheduled for a charity basketball event in St. Louis. He'd missed a couple scheduled appearances recently. Fear not, his faithful would dutifully attend no matter what. Just to have that chance. That One Shining Moment (nice NCAA basketball finals tie in, eh? Hee!)

Now that the MLC was in existence, it made it easier to plan their invasion. A large group of gals would be traveling to St. Louis to catch a glimpse. Interestingly enough XFP was one of them. I'd never really heard her swoon over Male Lead. Now, if this was another male lead from a different show she was also into - well I heard her swoon over him. But maybe the signs were there. Her apartment in L.A. was near Male Lead's Mail Boxes, Etc. location. There was the whole forming a PR business for his brother's band. She had become his unofficial publicist on the MLC. OMG where'd that duck come from!

Lucky for the ladies who traveled to the Louis, he emerged. Lucky for us gossips, he emerged a free man. We virtually high fived each other for calling him on him calling off his engagement. Hearing this news while in close vicinity of him in St. Lou's however could be a scary combo.

I wish I weren't so fuzzy on all that went on there. They went. They swooned. I got to hear countless stories about how his glistening sweat made him glow. But one curious story stands out. While the average fan ladies had to be content watching his glowness from the stands, they noticed XFP managed to get into the press area sporting a pass. How does one do that when you do not, never have worked for the press? What was she up to?

All the gals eyes were turned to XFP now. And friendly eyes they were not. (From Carrie Bradshaw to Yoda? Really mystery Fandom blogger?) There were great complaints about her that weekend. Something about her calling Male Lead's hotel room. Or telling everyone the hotel he was staying in was booked full, so they'd have to stay in one across the way. Of course she managed to get a room at said booked hotel. Oh the machinations!

I don't know what's funnier? That she went to such great, crafty lengths to isolate Male Lead for herself, or that the others were pissed about it - like any of them had a chance? HIGH-larious.

The weekend ended on a high note for his followers. He agreed to a little meeting with the ladies who traveled so far to see him. Awh, how nice. Or ego stroking op. Your pick. I think XFP put a crimp in this as well. The meet and greet was being video taped but some in attendence asked that they not be video taped, I guess, in attendance. I think there was a request that their likeness be blurred out on the tape. With late 90's computer technology? Brutal!

But don't they have the right to make that request? Does home movie etiquette differ from the legalities of film and television? As far as I know if some film/tv show catches you up close enough they're required to have you sign a release form. That's why they blur faces! That's why they post warnings that you're being filmed and this sign you're reading serves as consent! That's why they hire extras for background! Actually, it would be interesting to know if there's any legal recourse for this. But not interesting enough to actually look it up. HA!

One thing I wish they would have blurred out was one of Male Lead's granny fans getting a little too friendly at the meet and greet. Grabbing him by the head for a full on kiss on the lips. Shudder. Can't scrub that image from my brain. Not when she insists on making it her profile pic (going on 10 years now). Make it stop!

BLOG ENTRY 17:  The XFP Strikes Back

Trying to maintain my sanity in an insane online world. Sometimes feeling like the sole voice of reason. Or dissent. But only sometimes. I noticed I had developed an unhealthy pattern. I was a mess of a person when I moved to Louisville. Overweight, unhappy and suffering from depression. I spent those four years growing up, getting my head straight and had become an exercise fiend. Seriously, by time I moved back to LA I was built like an olympic athlete /hyperbole but I was in great shape. Just a few years later and I'd find myself regularly skipping out on the gym to rush home to log online and IRC. At one time it had been a fun place to hang with friends, share your thoughts and test the quickness of your wit. Lately, all we did was bitch and talk shit about people. How this person did this and that person did that. How XFP was a crazy stalker, how anyone who posted on the MLC was a crazy stalker, how they all betrayed us, the true essence of The Fandom because we were aligned with Fearless Leader. And when Fearless didn't like someone anymore, we didn't like them anymore either.

XFP was on Fearless' shit list. But XFP wouldn't go away quietly. I know from what I've mentioned of her actions here in this blog, she did seem a little crazed. And there is more to tell before XFP disappears for good. I'd never see or talk to her again after the Band stuff fades to blank. But thanks to the internet, and her willingness to maintain an online presence, its been easy to answer the "what ever happened to..." question. And the answer is that she has moved on with her life with little, actually, no trace of her Fandom association in evidence. It makes me wonder about the picture we painted of her. One side of the story and all. Whatever the truth, it seems to have been just a phase and I applaud anyone who can manage to move on from this nonsense.

But not to let her off too easy. Since her ostracization, XFP went stealth. Creating aliases and posting craziness on Fearless Leaders message board. She had operatives within the fandom that were passing her logs of IRC conversations. All the shit talking behind the back. Of course none of this sat well with core around Fear. How dare she! How evil and cahraaayzay! And to think someone in the core was aiding and abetting. Traitor(s)!!1!1!

New rules were created for IRC. The gossip channel became privatized for members only. And passing around logs of conversations from the channel were a violation of channel rules. Can you believe grown adults in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s etc would find this logical and not at all immature?

Again I'd ignore my twinge of consciousness and go along with it. But I was liking myself less and less now. At the same time I couldn't muster up the courage to quit. But help was on the way. A real voice of reason would pop into my life from the deserts of the west. And another voice of guidance from the cornfields outside of Chicago. Two friendships that would long outlast the association with The Fandom the connected us in the first place.

BLOG ENTRY 18:  Bandoms Again, Naturally

 I feel the need to clarify a little something. I mentioned in the last post how I thought it was immature of the Fearless core group to deal with XFP's stealth assaults by forbidding chat logs from being passed around. This is not to say what XFP was doing wasn't immature as well. I think because its a tactic I would eventually use that may have temporarily clouded my opinion. For the record I stopped doing that because it was just as immature and kept me tied to The Fandom long after protesting how I wanted nothing to do with it. Lame.

At the same time, the chat log thing taught me a lesson - don't say anything behind someones back that you wouldn't say to their face. You may respond to that by saying 'duh'! But its something that's definitely easier to preach than it is to practice. I do try.

In between the bitching and biting going on online, we kept ourselves busy going to Male Lead Brother's band. I know, I know. What the hell? Granny Cool had taken a particular interest in them. And since I was spending a lot of online and offline time with Gran, I'd tag along. In the guise we were both just there for the potential gossip.

One such outing would be a perfect storm of all the players. The band had landed a gig at The Mint, a well known club in L.A. This time I'd be going with a new group. I think it was Granny Cool, me and a couple of young fans of The Show I'd never hung out with before. We'd run into XFP and some others. And as if this potential Sharks vs Jets moment wasn't enough, we had some surprise guest show up. Bro Lead's parents and siblings arrived to lend support. Yes, that means Male Lead was there as well.

The night had the feel of a three ring circus. Male Lead wore a Kangol (10 years late, but ok). Male Lead's mom wore tight leather pants. And XFP wore a very figure hugging dress that would show every bump and crease of undergarments had any been present. The band played an all originals set (which I think I video taped for someone - may even still have that tape - anyway, good on ya, band). Afterward the DJ kicked up some jams and people started dancing. Including Male Lead. Who wasn't half bad, actually.

Although I know how I'd feel if my tight leather panted Mom were dancing on the same floor, the Leads seemed to be a close knit group having a good time. XFP seemed to try to swivel and slither her way in Male Lead's vicinity as much as possible. I don't think he noticed though. When he wasn't dancing, He was too busy talking to some bandanna'd brunette who had tagged along with him. (And, no, not the brunette you're thinking of.) Later I would hear this was some sort of "buddy" of his. (And, yes, that is the kind of "buddy" you're thinking of.)

You know what? Now that I think about it I still may have the IRC log from that night. Because, leaving a club late at night, of course, the first thing you want to do is run home and log onto the Internet and enter a chat room. I had the check in and report back. Too much going on on too many fronts.

{Sigh} My social life had never been spectacularly social up to this point. But, if I kept doing stuff like this? First my workouts and now this. It begin to worry me.

'Hello, I've been a lurker around these parts and I just want to say I enjoy your webpage and your take on the gossip.'

Around '98 I started a gossip blog so to speak tracking Male and Female lead's every public move and cracking wise about their actions. Prior to all the bandom shenanigans I rehashed in this post, one special day out of the blue I got an email expressing the sentiment above. Little did I know this was the start of a friendship that would last well beyond and far outside of The Fandom.

Now that I think about it I may be guilty of drawing Lvart further into the fandom than she ever would've gone on her own. But all this was new to us once, right? Seemingly innocent, and a lot of fun. Suckers.

I talk a lot about my obsession with the gossip side of the story but really it's less about salacious details and more about psychological profiling and how this influences ones life decisions. In this area Lvart and I clicked. We were both deeply fascinated with that aspect. We also clicked because she's wickedly funny.

She told me she appreciated that I kept a certain certain distance from all the frothing fan adulation and took an analytical approach. And because we both were of that mindset (she maybe a little better than me) we were able to both stay above the fray. Or at least drag ourselves out of it at some point. I now had more of an anchor in reality. It particularly helped that as our friendship developed we found we had a lot of interest and views in common outside our fandom connection. She became the real life friendship I always thought I had with the others.

 for what its worth, I do still have those chat logs. Yea! Research material!

BLOG ENTRY 19:  Backtracking a bit

Since I found those chat logs it's delayed my fandoms entries. They're jarring quite a few memories and there's a lot of them to go through. I'm afraid I may have some events out of order, and others I have entirely forgotten the motivation behind them.

Case #1 - The downfall of McMel. I had forgotten that once she left our super secret gossip group that she went on to condemn all gossip as an evil thing. So we weren't too happy with the about face. Also, I couldn't remember who was the mole sending logs to XFP. Turns out it was McMel. I also think Queen Naughty Fan Fiction begin turning her nose up at the dominion she once ruled. But the moment she heard Male Lead was interested in such, er, writings (a whole other upcoming story entirely) she was clawing and scraping to get back on her throne. I tell ya, this stuff does something crazy to people.

Case #2 - Adventures in Friendship with XFP I had also forgotten a few things XFP roped me into during the early part of our friendship. Man, I'm dim. Once she moved to L.A. she did spend a lot of time and money attending events where Male Lead may show up. The sad part is I willingly tagged along with her. To a certain point at least. We spent $100 each for tickets to the Emmys. He was a no show and the two things I took away from that experience were IRL Calista Flockhart is extremely skinny and Michelle Pfieffer is extremely gorgeous.

We spent $75 each to attend a charity luncheon at the Beverly Hills Hotel and again he was a no show. At least seeing Harvey Korman and Tim Conway perform a bit together was well worth it. The Carol Burnett Show was a special thing shared between my dad, sister and I. It was appointment TV for the three of us (and not surprisingly as I got older I discovered my dad and sis are both brilliantly hilarious in their own right). Harv and Tim (particularly Harv. Who knew?) had me rolling that night. Thanks guys.

The next "Track Down Male Lead" adventure she wanted to embark on was a charity baseball game way out in Rancho Cucamonga. And yes, it is as far away as it sounds. I decided to pass on driving god knows how long in L.A. traffic for Male Lead not to show up again. Honestly, the drive wouldn't have been worth it to me if he did show up. But XFP's diligence paid off. He did attend this event and she got whatever thrill she was looking for I suppose. But I'd say it wasn't enough because then she'd hatch the whole Grope Me In St. Louis/PR Agency for the band shenanigans to expand her access. (eww?)

There's another St. Louis story I need to grab the bits and pieces to put together and make some sense of what happened. Later days, my friends. But I'm working on it.

BLOG ENTRY 20:  Club Ugropia

One more bit of backtracking. Going back to the St. Louis incident(s) - you know the charity basketball game fan crusade extravaganza. A few camera wielding ladies made a point of taking pics of Male Leads ass during the game. To make trading cards out of them? I don't know. But a few butt shots were making the rounds around the internet and in the email box of those of us who didn't give a flip. Uh, thanks? I guess they just thought everyone was captivated by the glow from his ass.

After the game there was an after party for the celebs in the VIP section at a local club. A small select group of fans managed to get VIP passes, some others decided to crash the club, pass or no pass. Afterward my poor eyes had to read the back and forth about who was suppose to be there and who wasn't and how it did (or didn't) impede on their precious time "with" Male Lead. Who I am sure was far more interested in the blonde he brought along with him and keeping his beer per hour rate going (yes, someone kept track).

However there seemed to be a feeling of universal triumph in learning for all of XFPs craftiness, she couldn't manage to crash Club Ugropia like the others. But hey, I'm no raging innocent when it comes to Male Lead and clubs. I would soon encourage and partake in a mission that I find hella embarrassing and down right wrong in hindsight. What was I thinking? What were we all thinking?

BLOG ENTRY 21:  The Binder of Ill Repute

Okay, I haven't posted an entry in a while because I've been scanning chat logs to make sure I get my facts straighter and my time lines more timely. But, screw it. I'm getting bliggoty trying to scan through all that text. I'm just going to go for it as well as I can remember. My apologies because I've merged some events into others and mixed up the order in which some things happened. While things may be out of order and a bit all over the place, at least this stuff did happen. I'm not making it up.

GrannyCool: Are you ready to go to Chillers next Sunday?

Me: I sure am ;)

The wink. Why'd I have to type the wink? Ugh.

If you're reading this blog you're probably well aware of fan fiction. That is using the characters from movies, books, TV shows or musician relatives of some celebrity you like and creating your own stories with them. You're also probably aware of naughty fan fiction which is is taking those characters and making them do rather x-rated stuff in the stories you create. (I'll leave slash fic alone.)

Somehow GrannyCool got wind that Male Lead was interested in reading such stories of the naughty kind featuring his and Female Lead's "characters." Had he mentioned this in passing? Something to amuse his fans? There was speculation he had accessed some stories on an online message board (were those his IP numbers? I don't know.) One thing about GrannyCool is she'd hear something such as this and not only take it as gospel, but felt compelled to do something about it.

Once she heard this bit of speculation, she set about to fulfill the prophecy by any means necessary. Male Lead wanted naughty fic. The mission to get him some (gulp) was initiated. Which meant scouring the online archives and taking a poll (snicker) of which ones to send him.

Then there was the reformatting to put them in readable hard (giggle) copy form. Then the binding (kinky) and delivery. A plan was set in motion: we should go to one of Bro Lead's gigs and hand him the Binder of Ill Repute to give to his brother for his birthday. To make it seem like we weren't just using him to get stuff to his brother, GrannyCool included a birthday card for Bro as well.

This is definitely one of those hindsight "what was I thinking?" events. But I fully supported it. The idea that ML wanted the fic appealed to my gossipy little shipper heart. But the idea of using Bro as the method of transport struck a serious nerve with me.

Of course, over the course of my Fandom blog I've had plenty crisis of conscience that I managed to hurdle with little to no problem. This one was a bit of a turning point for me. See, I've been in Bro Lead shoes. I have a sibling that gained some notoriety (not near as much as Male Lead but probably a far more impressive accomplishment.) I know all too well how people, however unintentional, will pretend to have interest in you to get to that person. Heck, I experienced it again just this past month.

By the time we got to the bar to see BL's band play (again)(covers, again!), I wasn't feeling it. We shouldn't be doing this. Not in this manner anyway. I was extra nerve wracked that night. But I kept quiet.

Maybe the birthday card would make it better? Sure. As soon as GrannyCool hands him the card, it won't feel so wrong, Wrong, WRONG! And then she did. And he was genuinely appreciative. Then the other shoe dropped...

"Oh and can you give this to your brother?"

She hands Bro the binder and I don't register his reaction at all because the words "WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!" were too busy blaring inside my head. We hand him a tiny measly belated birthday card and then hand him this large binder for his brother. That's OK, Bro. Be thankful for the card. You wouldn't want what was in that binder.

Of course he took the binder. Lord knows what happened to it. Later we'd hear that neither Bro or Male liked people using Bro's band to try to get things to Male Lead. GrannyCool had a minor post binder mission panic attack. Especially when it dawned on her that other people might use this method to send all sorts of ridiculous items to Male Lead. I mean, but ours wasn't ridiculous, right? This was something he wanted? Right?

Even so, we probably shouldn't have done it. Especially not in the way we did it.

BLOG ENTRY 22:  What happens in Bandoms...

 At this point I really should rename this part of the blog "Bandoms." Sheesh. But by this time gossip worthy stuff had all but dried up. All we were left with was the band and any potential Male Lead sighting that might afford. Hopefully there'd be something gossip worthy to report to spice things up back on IRC. The things I endured for gossip, I tell you!

By now GrannyCool had taken to calling the band members her "kids." They had begin calling her their honorary "mom" but I'm not sure how sincere they were or if that may have been some inside joke on their part. Whatevs, Gran was into the band, and into going to see the band, and into taking anyone who decided to visit her to see the Band, and into chatting about the band a lot on IRC.

GrannyCool and I were very good friends. Good buddies, I'd say. But what surprises me as I scanned through my old chat logs was how tight Lvart and GrannyCool were as well. Prior to the Binder event, or the XFP-no-undies-for-Male-Lead at the Mint event, The Band had a gig at a restaurant in Newport Beach. Lvart was down South SouthernCal visiting relatives and GrannyCool. We all decided to meet up and go to the Cheesebox 20 show.

It was great to hang out with Lvart in all her sarcastic glory. (Hmmm... this may have been the first time we met in person.) I wasn't the only one impressed with my new friend. Bro Lead caught sight of her and was hooked (don't tell McMel!). Only made worse by the fact that not only is Lvart attractive and blond, but intelligent, talented and hilarious as well. She's also very happily married. Oh, you Lead Bros?

Didn't stop him from flirting. Nor did it stop them from striking up a flirty but strictly platonic friendship. They became IM buddies. And while Bro had IM chat friendships with a few people in the Fandom (I was not one of them, for the record), this one wouldn't stay on a purely superficial friendship level. Which presented a dilemma. We were gossip hounds, Lvart included. Should we use her unexpected new connection to find out more dirt or if this were a genuine friendship should we not cross that line? It was still too early to make this decision.

Until that time there was another gig to go to. A few months later Cheese Out Boy would be playing the Mint again. All originals gig, thank god! Lvart wanted to go, so she and GrannyCool crashed at my pad for a weekend. The gig was good one. The opening act was great, a drunk Harry Dean Stanton was the closing act and in the middle Bro Lead's band did a good set with him playing some inspired guitar that evening (hmmm... I wonder who inspired him?) While Male wasn't there this time we were introduced to his and Bro's sister, and somehow I ended up with a photo of Bro sitting on my lap while nibbling Lvart's arm. Crazy Hollywood nights!

Afterward, Lvart went back home to her happily married life, but often shared bits of her chat conversations with Bro Lead with GrannyCool and I (and, please note, with her husband as well.) Sometimes with IRC itself. Their "relationship" became to butt of jokes on channel. But as time wore on the jokes had more insinuative tones to them. This was not helped by the fact that GrannyCool thought it was okay to paste practically every IM conversation Lvart had with Bro on the channel. Yeah, that probably won't turn out well.

BLOG ENTRY 23:  ROTFL Y2K

Iiiiit's back! Yes, somewhere along the way the Fandom resurrected the annual fan gathering. This time it would be run by someone new. Someone you all know by now. GrannyCool!

It may come as a surprise, but then again, it may not, that GrannyCool has had fandom gathering experience in the past. Pre-internet days she had participated in fanclubs. Maybe even helped organize a few things. She was in her element, for better or worse.

But before ROTFLY2K made it's way to town, I had a little encounter on IRC. I received a private message out of the blue. Oh look it's a newbie! Awwwh, they're so cute! Princess Parking/Swissie /Traffic is Stupid/That Girl Sheila/Cat Fur/Supreme Goddess of Virgosity was not yet out of her teens. She had been a fan of The Show and was stepping into the IRC fandom collective for the first time. She was a little scared. And now that I think about it she should have been! But back then, I told her she had nothing to worry about.

Oh to see the Fandom through new eyes! She understood the hierarchy that existed. At least she believed one existed. I told her that it only seems that way. Really once you hang around long enough you realize these people are just people and no one is better than anyone else. Har har! She wasn't buying it right away. She was nervously watching her every move on channel, trying to keep up and afraid of making a misstep. Silly, when you think about. What are they gonna do, kick you out? Oh, yeah. I would try to make her feel as welcome and at home as much as possible.

In our private chats she told me about her life. She lived in the Mid-West. Hated the cold weather and endless cornfields and wanted to move to L.A. to try her hand at acting. I told her, well, you have to do it! I say that to everyone is has the dream of pursuing a creative field. It may be your destiny. It may be something you discover is not for you at all. The point is you have to find out. You HAVE TO TRY IT.

With ROTFLY2K coming around the bend, this would give her a chance to check out L.A. Dip her toe in, so to speak. She was so excited!(hee ;) She wasn't the only one. The number of people signing up for the latest installment was growing nicely. Quite a few of our super secret gossip society members would be there, including UKinOZ traveling all the way from OZ. Needless to say I was excited too. I was going to get my gossip on!

Here we go again. Mid to late summer, always to be scheduled on and around the date of Male Lead's birthday, ROTFL was born again. Honestly, I have to admit, I had a good time at this one. I would meet some new people I had only known online. UKinOZ and I would make one inseparable snarky duo. Princess Parking...etc. was so nice and young and wide eyed and excited about being in L.A. it was infectious. She fell in love with the place. She also managed to get me to do something I was deathly scared of doing in front of anyone...sing. She got to see the first and only concert of me performing live the songs I wrote for, in, around and about the fandom. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be out at bars on Monday nights drinking and badly singing karaoke! Thanks Swiss One!

ROTFL would take place at a Holiday Inn owned by an actress who had a prominent recurring role on the show. A nice bit of kismet. It was close to the studio where The Show had ceased filming three years prior. Can you feel the magic? And probably even more exciting the movie premiere for Male Lead's latest film (back before they all went straight to video) would be happening the same week. Yes, the estrogen levels were off the hook at Y2K! Lucky for me, that premiere would occur across the street from my apartment. Actually, that may have been more lucky for Male Lead since my estrogen levels tend to remain normal around him. Thank me later, ML.

I think I'll end this entry on a nice note. First night, we gather, I think in GrannyCool's room. It was ROTFLY2K central and someone had set up a bar. Believe it or not (No ML reference intented), I wasn't much of a drinker back then. In fact I don't think I drank alcohol at all (playing in various rock bands ultimately would cure me of that). AH, an East Coast fan who was smart, fun, liked the gossip, and a little Male Lead obsessed but her awesome raspy East Coast accent made you not mind so much, introduced me to her friends Tanquerey and seven. It was her favorite. And mine too by the end of the night because I had a good buzz going. And then I had a good nap going. While hugging a bottle of vodka. There are photos, folks.

 *Dedicated to AH. I know they serve Tanquerey and seven in heaven.

BLOG ENTRY 24:  ROTFL Y2K Pt 2

ROTFL was born anew! But would get old soon enough. This year it was fun. It had been three years since the last fan gathering. Enough time had passed not to feel so bummed about the show. And why not gather together in real life with the people I spent most of my time with online anyway. We were like family!

By then the XFP/PR Trio stuff had died down. But we would have a run in with them before the fan gathering was over. ROTFLY2K wasn't just scheduled around Male Lead's birthday, but had the extra benefit of coinciding with one of Bro Lead's band gig dates. Yay?

THE BEACH PARTY Oh the annual beach party! Not a bad idea since many people visiting lived far from an ocean of any kind. Why it had to be waaaaaaay out in Malibu when there were plenty of easier to get to beaches around...well, it wasn't a mystery. Male Lead lives in Malibu. Grew up there. So naturally the beach party had to be there, right?

You know? Fine, I'm okay with that. I get it. His fans would get a kick out of, gulp, being near by. But for those of us who weren't exactly fans of his that was just one long f*cking drive! I'm not sure if GrannyCool knew it would be so far out (At this point I can't remember where the 97 beach party took place. I don't think I attended it.) This beach was located far past Malibu proper. Far past the main residential and shopping areas and veterinary clinics (more on that later.) I got the distinct impression Male Lead sure as hell didn't live way out there. Turns out I would be right.

My bitching aside. The beach party was very nice. It was a beautiful area that we had to ourselves. The sun was out bright and warm. Beautiful scenery. We all had a good time. My biggest gripe with the whole beach party portion of the fandom annual (oh god, now I'm going to have to rewrite and parody the lyrics of the song "Wonder Annual" lol) is that the planners won't admit the reason for the mass exodus to the 'bu is for the off chance of running into Male Lead. Just admit it, okay? Don't pretend it's not. At least AH had no problem admitting it. She even rented a convertible and traveled the California coast in style.

The problem with driving out to Malibu for a nice day at the beach party is you have to drive back. On a weekday. During rush hour. Once you get through PCH or whichever long and winding road you decided to take that connects through the valley, you then have the L.A. freeways to contend with. On a weekday. During rush hour. Best not to make any plans for the rest of the day, you'll be too exhausted.

UKinOZ decided to leave the beach party early. We took the PCH scenic route back toward L.A. I had a blast hanging out with UKinOZ. We already were a snarky enough pair online, which just extended itself offline. I got a kick out of every time she tried to hop in the driver's side of my car (half the fun of hanging around with Brits and Aussies is seeing them deal with our reversed car setup.) Then there was the language barrier. Or more like the accent barrier. The two of us had to constantly repeat what we said back and forth to each other. It sometimes felt like we didn't speak the same language at all lol

On our way back to the valley she and I gossiped our little hearts out. Which leads me to the veterinary clinic. It was just our own little personal gossip sighting as there had been tabloid photos of Male Lead and his former fiance taking their puppies to this place. It was one of those 'picture says a 1000 words about their relationship' photos, We got a good laugh when we unexpectedly passed by the place.

When we got back to the hotel we found out the others left not long after we did. They arrived back practically on our tail. No one was lucky enough to spot ML on this excursion. In the future they would change the location of the beach party to a spot near the shopping/residential area of Malibu. And still have no luck (although a couple ladies would run into him at a restuarant during their own personal excursion another year.) At least it's closer than the other beach but they still don't admit this is the reason they pick this area.

Which makes this bit of irony a lot of fun/scary. Years later I found out the long winding road they'd take from the valley to the Malibu Beach Party every year passed right by his house.

BLOG ENTRY 25:  ROTFL Y2K Pt 3

The Costume Party Not much to report. I didn't wear one. Others did. Moving on.

The Studio Tour I need to look at the pictures, but I may have opted to stay at work this time around. I was never a full blown attendee to these things. Three years after The Show I figured there wouldn't be anything left to see. And even less than we saw in '97. The beach party took half my workday. And there was another long trek event coming up.

Although I have to admit, I love that studio. To this day I think there's something magic about it. Maybe it's the “Casablanca” connection. Or “Night Court.” I seem to get hooked on too many TV shows that film on that back lot. Amazing I haven't been on a tour there since '97 or seen a show tape there since, well, “Night Court.” (“Living Single” wasn't taped on the main back lot but on its redheaded step sister, just to the north. And no I didn't see the taping of the episode with ML guest starring as himself.)

The Shakespeare in the Park Now here was a long drive I didn't mind taking. One of the more entertaining events ever in ROTFL's history. An actor who played one of the better villains on The Show (there weren't many) was performing in an outdoor production of “Taming of the Shrew” set in the Old West. The production was taking place in Thousand Oaks, CA, which is probably an ever further drive from Ho/WeHo/NoHo than Malibu. At least its a straight shoot down the 101 North. No long and winding roads.

This time we were going with the intention of seeing someone. And we admitted it! See, that wasn't so hard? Sure it was someone most of the ladies wouldn't be drooling over. Then again I've heard there are some that do and that's just a bit strange. No offense to TP as an attractive, talented guy, but sex symbol? No.

We got there and laid our blankets on the ground as the sun was setting. It was a warm evening and just about perfect to watch an outdoor show. And a good show it was! Just a wonderful well put together production of the play with TP as the lead. All I was missing was a nice picnic basket from Trader Joe's and a bottle of wine (neither of which I knew much about then – you live and you learn.)

After the show TP agreed to meet with this gaggle of strangers for a Q&A at school theater nearby. He was great. Charming, friendly, funny and delightful; tactfully answering questions about The Show for a bunch of obsessed fans. Afterward we all mingled about and I remember Princess Parking and I doing cartwheels on the stage. Hee.

After that evening Princess Parking and I started bonding. I didn't know it at the time but my second friendship that would last beyond and outside of The Show and The Fandom had begun. Poor kid's been saddled with me for years now.

The Banquet We all sat in a big banquet hall and ate hotel food. It was a little less exciting the the '97 banquet with the mercurial Fearless Leader floating around and the surprise arrival one of The Show's writers (who was also a huge fan of my favorite band and eventually went on to co-create the show ”Firefly.” That's too much awesome too contain! I think I forgot to mention this detail when I wrote about '97.) Thanks to Princess Parking, the event would be getting some entertainment in the form of... me? Oh dear lol

One of my fun pastimes linked to the Fandom and the Show was writing and recording little songs about The Show, the actors, the cover band we saw too much, etc. I'd record them while sitting in the chat room on IRC and then DCC them to people once I finished. They would spread around and get played back. I'm pretty flattered that to this day newer fans get a hold of them and at least get a good laugh. They were fun to do. Somehow I managed to get talked into doing one live at the banquet. Oh boy.

Thankfully Princess Parking had volunteered to sing. She may have been able to talk me into a private concert, but this was a no go. Fortunately, she had done a lot of public singing in her young life and has a great singing voice. All I had to do was back her up on guitar. That was easy enough. Backing up I could do. I think people there enjoyed it. Don't know though because there were a few songs inspired by Male Lead and his bad choices in women. For some reason I was churning out songs related to him left in right. Easy! That's it. I'm secretly in love with the Male Lead. NOOOOOOOOO! Lol

Actually ML reminds me of this grammar school crush I had. There was this guy in 8th grade I thought was really cute and I was nerd incarnate. You've seen my facebook/twitter pic. Yep, no chance in hell. Anyway, unrequited it remained. We ended up going to separate high schools and I wouldn't see him again...until the following year. Ran into him at some event for our grammar school and in talking to him I discovered, wow, he's kind of stupid. Those pretty boy looks really ended up not being enough. My crush died that day. I was more than glad to bury it. Dude, are you kidding me?

The Trip We Made To Hollywood Is a song lyric, I think? Heading to “Hollywood” to scour the stores on Hollywood Blvd for celebrity photos and such was always a nice, fun little side site seeing/shopping trip to take. I put “Hollywood” in quotes because the Hollywood where all the action takes place (all the studios spread out pretty much everywhere outside of actual Hollywood.)

Up until recently the actual City of Hollywood wasn't some place you wanted to hang out, unless you were looking for a heroin fix, cheap t-shirts or celebrity photos. Now it's a hipsters paradise.

This little excursion usually took place on a day when not much was planned. It was a nice way to break off from the group and go see the city. You could stay at the hotel and relax or go sight seeing. Whatever you wanted. I bring this up because for future ROTFLs it seems stuff like this was less encouraged. I find that strange. Or I just underestimate the power of a Wii.

Ah yes. The lyric is from Steely Dan's “Reelin' In The Years” Of course, I should have known that.

Okay, I'm feeling there should be a part 4 to this. Because the ROTFLY2K wrap up events were actually eventful. Stay tuned...

BLOG ENTRY 26:  ROTFL Y2K Pt 4

 The Last Days of Flight:  I'm going to declare ROTFLY2K the most eventful ever. Did Male Lead fulfill the fantasy of thousands... well, maybe tens... and magically show up to our little gathering of the obsessed? All the stars are sent invitations every year. It could happen!

No, it was more of a stroke of luck that Male Lead happened to have a film he just completed premiering around the same time. Premiere, Birthday and ROT cosmically aligning. It was magic!

Maybe premiere is a bit strong of a term. I mean it was a premiere, but it wasn't one of those red carpet, paparazzi, limos and ropes to keep the fans at bay kind of premieres. Even this early in his post-TV starring role career, Male Lead was losing star power steam. The premiere was more to get a blip on the Hollywood map that you made a movie and now you need distribution. It took place at Paramount Studios. A place I can see right out of my window. Why that's important I don't know. Other than a few fans did come by to hang out at my “flat” (Brits and Aussies again.) And it was nice I didn't have to drive there.

Yes, that means the attendees got to attend this premiere. Which was good because there was more of a chance to run into Male Lead here than there was driving up and down every stretch of road in Malibu. It wasn't confirmed he'd be there, but there was a chance. And like any good fan you're willing to take your chance with chances.

None made a bigger gamble than Big Hair Whim. She wasn't an attendee at ROTFLY2K. But once she heard the news she hopped a plane from the deep deep south and made sure she made it to Paramount in time for the film. I have to say as many obsessed ML fans I've met throughout my travels, not XFP, Non-Stop Talk, AH, the kissing granny bandit... not any of them … scared me as much as Big Hair did. She was Off. The. Chain. Obsessed! So much so she had only come for the day at the off chance of meeting him. She'd be hopping back on that plane to return home within a few hours. I was afraid it wasn't the only thing she'd be hopping on if she could work it.

I let the others deal with Big Hair. She was a rather loud talker and all she talked about was Male Lead and what she wanted to do with him. Non Stop. She wasn't a bad looking woman. She was young, mid twenties. Attractive. But the big hair was just out of control. Very long and poofed up as much as possible. She very much wanted her presence to be known.

I was too busy helping another shy youngster among us. ValLaw was just a year or two older than Princess Parking. She was working for her college paper and managed to secure a press pass for the premiere. She was also very nervous about meeting Male Lead. Not that she was a drooler. She wasn't. She seemed more a fan of the show, but still it can be very surreal to see someone you've watch for so long on TV in front of you – flesh and bone.

I was hanging out with her a bit. I even borrowed her press pass, put it on and had a photo of me taken wearing it as part of a joke on XFP. Somehow we got wind that Male Lead was at the premiere. He came! Oh, damn. Bad choice of words? He was there! He was there! And if his career was on the slow downswing, at least this day he had a pack of women following him around to make him not feel like it was. Honestly, I think he's been coasting on that ever since.

I was with ValLaw in the lobby of the theater. Male Lead was taking photos and talking to any fans who approached him. I will say this. He's a very nice dude. Very nice and appreciative to fans. But it was fun to watch how much his face lit up when those fans were pretty, young and blond! Princess Parking got quite the hug. So did one of the Brits. Poor ValLaw's nervousness had kicked into overdrive. She was too scared to approach him even though the whole point of the press pass was snag an interview. I calmed her down and walked her up to him. I decided to introduce them like I was some old mutual friend of theirs (har!). 'Hi Lead, this is Val... blah blah blah blah.' And then I stepped aside and Val was able to take it from there. I dunno I was proud of myself for that one. I think because I spent many a year in Painfully Shyville that once I moved away I wanted to be able to help as many residents break out of that mental state.

Oh and the movie? I thought it was okay. Nothing great. Not bad. Male Lead did a decent job. As for distribution? I think it got in some theaters around the world but mostly pops up here and there on cable.

The Band to End It All: The last day of ROTFLY2K happened to land on one of those few freakishly hot days we get in L.A. Usually around August and September with get our Santa Ana wind inspired triple digit days. Made all the worse by my “flat” being located on the third floor of my building and no air conditioning to be found. Other than our week's worth of freakish hotness, you really don't need the A/C in L.A.

I bring this up because UkinOZ stayed with me a few days before ROTFLY2K begin. Once the party started she got a room at the hotel. But the last night before she flew back down under she would stay with me again. And I felt soooo bad for her. Because it was unbearably hot and by the end of her stay here in the States she had gotten unbearably ill.

It looked like she had a raging case of the flu. She asked that I take her to the “chemist” but nothing she took seemed to help much. The heat made it too uncomfortable to rest. Her flight was scheduled to leave the following evening. I hated she had to sit here in 24 hours of misery and then take a 12-14-16-18 hour flight home. On top of that, we had all agreed to go see Bro Lead's band play at a local club a few hours before her flight. Would the torture never end!?!?

I kid, I kid. I've taken a lot of pot shots at Bro Lead's band, but they were a decent band. I hatched a plan the next day For the sake of UKinOz. Rather than waiting it out in my sweltering apartment I decided it would be better to take her to my parents place. They live closer to the beach where it's always at least 10 degrees cooler than mid-Los Angeles. The club the band was playing at wasn't far from the 'rent's home. As an added bonus the club was less than 10 minutes away from LAX. I'm sorry all I could give my good snarky friend was a break from the heat but I wanted her final hours here to be as comfortable as possible.

We chilled for a couple hours at my parents house, then headed to the club in Manhattan Beach. We were meeting GrannyCool and a few other ROTFL'ers there for one final night of bonding and fun. Surprise, surprise – guess who else decided to attend the show? XFP and McMel!

I was shocked because I hadn't seen them in quite a while. And probably feeling a little guilty because of the photo op knock I had just taken. We didn't mingle with them. They were on one side of the bar. We were on the other, staring across at each other. At least the unexpected company perked UKinOz up a bit. She was always curious about the band, XFP and the others after hearing our stories about them. At least in her weakened state she got a bit of wish fulfillment. And we got to have one last night to get some good snark on.

UkinOZ and I had to leave the fun early. She had started taking a turn for the worse and I had to get her to the airport so she could get back home for some medical attention. We said our farewell's at the international terminal. She sent me an email the next day saying she slept on the plane all the way home and was feeling better. I was so relieved.

ROTFLY2K was probably the last unabashed good time I had within the fandom.

BLOG ENTRY 27:  Welcome to the Apocalypse

 With ROTFLY2K behind us it was time to return to normal. Everyone went back home. Everyone went back on IRC. Everyone went back to rehashing the same old, same old.

With nothing new under the gossip sun, Lvart's growing friendship with Bro Lead was becoming more of a topic of conversation. It seemed unusual for a married woman to strike up a friendship with a single guy who had made no bones about his interest in her. Honestly, I was worried about it. Lvart and I were pretty good friends at this point. By now I was also well aware Lvart was a no nonsense kind of person.

I worried more about Bro Lead thinking their friendship was more than a platonic friendship. Hadn't I just watch his brother go down this road with another married woman? But then why the hell was I worried? They were both adults. Lvart could definitely handle herself. It was none of my business.

And that's the critical point. It was none of our business. But nightly on IRC it was discussed like it was our business. Oh, of course, we were just feeling concern for a friend! But really I feel it had more to do with having nothing else to gossip about. Lvart would tell GrannyCool all about her conversations with Bro Lead. GrannyCool would then share this info with everyone else in the chatroom at the time. No stop gap. No twinge of conscience for a friend. I think as Lvart and Bro Lead's friendship grew deeper, her relationship and respect for GrannyCool hit the skids.

Just to clarify about Lvart and Bro Lead's friendship – as I suspected, Lvart knew how to handle herself. What I didn't know then is Bro Lead would never have crossed that line anyway. He's not that type of person. His family are not those type of people – not even Male Lead, who is just the screw up little brother more than anything. Lvart and Bro Lead's friendship was genuine. Absolutely nothing to see there folks.

For whatever reason that's something Fearless Leader wasn't going to buy. Of course she'd arch the eyebrow on IRC, questioning what was really going on between Lvart and Bro Lead. But as my friendship with Lvart grew stronger, the less tolerable I got of Fearless' jokes and insinuations. There was no point in defending Lvart because FL and the others would still make disparaging comments, just for the amusement of it all - whether they believed it or not.

That was a problem. I knew Lvart. For real. As a real live person with all the complexities that entails. And she was nothing like the picture they were starting to paint of her. You could say my judgment was suspect after the whole XFP and Mcmel stuff, but this friendship was different. The longer it went on, the less she had to do with the Fandom. Eventually Lvart became less of a presence on IRC and spent more of her time just posting on FL's message boards. Can't say I blame her.

Lvart, who at this point was part of the Super Secret Gossip Group as well, shocked me one day when she said she had dropped off that mailing list. No fanfare. No drama. She just quietly unsubscribed. She didn't like how Fearless Leader treated people. She had had enough of GrannyCool's lack of discretion. Around the time FL migrated her message board to a new server, Lvart decided from now on to change her profile name and just post snarky stuff rather anonymously.

I was very surprised. She and I had some rather deep and interesting conversations about the gossip. But I guess that was more of an addictive drug for me than it was for her. I said she was no nonsense. And the more nonsense that sprouted up the less tolerance she had for dealing with it. At the time I couldn't imagine doing the same thing. I was in too deep. But Lvart became an excellent 'lead by example' model for me.

Even better than that she was real observant of how Fearless Leader treated people. How she could be your friend one day and stab you in the back the next. How she turned on people. And how once she turned on people how the whole Fandom turned with her as well. It was happening to Lvart in front of our eyes. So I took notice and began to watch Fearless more carefully. I also began to sense my time being on the wrong side of Fearless Leader would eventually come too.

BLOG ENTRY 28:   Putting the I in Shit and Hitting the Fan

It happened one day. Lvart had posted something on the message board. Nothing crazy. Nothing inflammatory. Simply participating in a conversation. For some reason Fearless Leader felt the need to jump in and not only respond to the topic at hand but also tailor her answer to include a reference to Lvart and Bro Lead. A relationship that maybe was a hot topic on IRC in the ridiculous hours of the night, but one most of the people on the message boards didn't know about.

Lvart knew exactly what was going on. She knew that Fearless was baiting her for a flame war. That's what FL did. She'd fan the fires and as people would fall for it, she'd stand back, play the sane card and let them flail like crazy idiots. Quite the Queen Shit Stirrer if I ever saw one. Except this time it wasn't gonna work.

LV didn't bite. LV didn't flail. LV didn't flame. She was too smart for that. She knew FL's game and played her back brilliantly. She just kind of brushed Fearless' comments off, no biggie. Kind of 'Whatever FL, as I was saying...' And then she'd sneak some snarky comback in her reply. It was genius!

She just didn't give a shit and that left nothing for Fearless to play off. Oh, she'd continue to try, but LV would toy with her and would not be phased in one bit. By that point LV had removed herself from the fandom, so fear of not being part of the group any longer held no sway for her. I doubt it held much sway when she was part of the group. She was always too independent for that crap.

So, I got smart. I watched and took notes. I knew I'd be on Fearless Leader's hit list at someone point sooner or later. I guess that's what got me thinking of the best way to handle her whenever that moment arrived. My game plan was different than LV's but I was very proud of it. It was very much me and how I best handle things. I pick them apart piece by piece and figure out how they work.

Sooner or later came sooner than I expected though. Again, just a conversation on the message board. It had to do with Male Lead and Sports. I had many conversations in the past on IRC whenever this topic came up. His prowess, naturally, was exaggerated by his fans, but he was prone to a little exaggerating himself. This, as a person whose been surrounded by sports and athletes all her life, always bugged me. Now that I look back, I think that's why Fearless chose that moment to pounce. She'd thought it would be the chink in my armor. She'd be wrong.

I replied to the thread. I think it was something GrannyCool had posted about one of the great NBA players of all time saying Male Lead could have played in that league. She'd mentioned this many times before. It always sounded absurd to me. This time I decided to research it. I found the quote, and what NBA Great had said was the exact opposite. Exact. Opposite. Which is a running theme with GrannyCool, but I didn't pick up on that until much later. Let's just say she likes to spin things to her world view and liking, okay?

Then Fearless jumps in. It's probably my faulty memory, or maybe it's I really don't care, or both, but I can't remember what she typed to me at all. Not a word of it. I just looked at the words and thought 'Well there it is.' I knew it when I saw it. She's going after me now. It was one of her patented stealth attacks. Now I can see why she decided to do it. She knew this was a topic that drove me nuts. She must have felt I was primed for a flame.

I remember private conversations LV and I would have. And she would say how much of a bitch she thought Fearless was. I was taken aback at the time. How could she say that about the hilarious, bright, engaging, entertaining Fearless Leader? She was the wise one, the great leader of this internet fandom! How many friends of mine did she have to pick off before it sunk in that Lvart was right?

Now she was coming for me. But I didn't bite, flail or flame either. I replied to her calmly. I replied by picking apart what she was doing and stating it piece by piece to the rest of the message board. 'And now here's the point where...' I felt like I was defusing a bomb! Throw me another one. I'll cut the right wire every time.

After one or two more bomb defusing responses I announced I would be taking this to the off topic thread. This was it. It was my time to cut my ties with the fandom. I had always admired those who bowed out quietly. What you usually get are dramatic departures. I decided to at least attempt grace. I opened another thread in an off topic section. Gave my last bomb defusing reply and announced 'with that? I'm done.'

BLOG ENTRY 29:  I Quit, Therefore I Am

I quit the Fandom.

Why was that so easy? Answer: It wasn't. However I did spend a good number of weeks not entering the IRC Chatroom or reading the message board. I found other things to do and new shows to watch. I went back to the gym to get myself in shape again and devoted my spare time to music and my band.

Cold turkey would last for a good stretch of time. The hard part was I still had friends back in The Fandom. I still kept eyes peeled for any gossip worthy news. Lvart still posted snarky stuff on the boards and would link me to any particular cage rattling that would make me laugh. Meanwhile, Princess Parking found herself rising up through The Fandom ranks on IRC.

By this time PP, who moved to L.A. to try her hand at acting, had started laying the groundwork for a career. That meant working for cheap as an extra until you can earn enough credentials to join SAG. Full time extra work had it's advantages. She worked on such shows as "The West Wing," "E.R." and "Gilmore Girls" The fun part would be the little tidbits she'd bring back about who was naughty and who was nice.

Her position in Hollywood, small as it was, made her a star among IRCers. She was soaking it up too; amazed that Fearless Leader was now treating her like a BFF. I warned her to enjoy the limelight now because eventually they would turn on her. And she would never see it coming.

Our fair Princess was never into the gossip part of The Show. But this new found attention made her dive right in. I gave her a rundown of the behind the scenes rumors compiled by the Super Secret Gossip Group. I think I even gave her a copy of some notes I had. Through her extra work she was able to meet many crew people who worked on The Show. In fact there was another TV series in which almost the entire crew of The Show was working on. PP wasn't shy about asking questions and what she found out was thrilling. Everyone pretty much confirmed the gossip we had mapped out and then-some.

The IRCers ate it up. I ate it up. It felt good especially because we were able to rub it in the face the naysayers and non-believers. But since they continued nay saying and non-believing that was pretty pointless. At least it felt good to be right. That what we observed, suspected and speculated about all along was indeed true.

With PP's status in the Fandom elevated she offered to help GrannyCool plan and run the next ROTFL. I thought it was a great idea, and GrannyCool seemed happy to get the help. Princess, as young as she was, had excellent organizational and management skills. Little did either of us know GrannyCool, through all her talk of wanting help, wouldn't be so willing to relinquish the reins even a little bit.

BLOG ENTRY 30:  Warm Turkey

A few weeks after quitting cold turkey I was still going strong. But the lure of salvage is too much to bare at times. Lvart was still posting on the message boards. I would occasionally read them and get incensed by a few things I read. These people just didn't get it. Me not learning until much later, yeah, of course they don't get it. That's why they stick to a fandom in the first place.

I couldn't let sleeping dogs lie. Plus I wanted some sort of revenge for being turned and burned out of the Fandom. One day I decided to re-register on the message board under a new fictitious name. I planned to wreak havoc. I planned not to be so tight lipped when I felt fans were behaving ridiculously. I planned to stir the cauldron and get up peoples noses. Mostly I wanted to annoy Fearless Leader. It was just gravy to be able to take a few swipes at some of the more ridiculous fan notions in the process.

I had a lot of fun doing it too. Sometimes I'd start something and Lvart would join in on my side. It felt great to make people squirm. I specialized in finding gossip blind items that sounded like they could be about Male or Female Lead. Mostly Male Lead because his fans blind devotion annoyed me the most. Then I'd sit back and watch their heads explode. It was fun, it was mean, and I was loving it.

Then one day it dawned on me. Here I thought I was getting my great revenge. Here I thought I was righting a wrong that was done to me. But when my rare, occasional visits to the message board turned into a daily ritual again, something clicked in my head. Doing this was nothing to be proud of. When you stripped it all down to the honest-to-god truth, in doing this, I WAS STILL PART OF THE FUCKING FANDOM!!!!

The truth was I hadn't left. Oh sure, I didn't return to IRC, but I still read the boards. And now I was posting on them again. What's worse I was intentionally being nasty and trying to stir shit when I posted. Wasn't that Fearless Leader's territory? What was I doing?

One of the main reasons I left the Fandom was because I had come to hate the person it was turning me into. The nastiness and negativity I no longer wanted any part of had crept their way back in my life. I hadn't left the Fandom, really. Not as long as I participated in any way. Once I had this realization I very much understood what I must do. I stopped again. No more posts under a pseudonym. No more visiting the message board at all. Definitely no IRC, but I hadn't returned there since the first time I quit. And now whenever I talked to friends who were still involved with the group, discussion of the Fandom goings on had to be kept to a minimum response of "That's nice." or "Good luck with that."

I was able to do it. I moved on. Lvart eventually abandoned posting on the message board as well. The biggest challenge was Princess Parking who was getting in deeper and deeper at this time. She was helping to plan the next ROTFL and was so thrilled to be the center of the Fandom's attention. It was a challenge I have to say I handled pretty well. It was easy, really. I listened to her frustrations and was able to steadily remind her what happened to me, Lvart and so many others would at some point happen to her. Beware and be cautious.

She tried to encourage me to attend the next ROTFL, but I was pretty adamant about not going. I couldn't do it. I wanted no part of it anymore. And I don't know if people understand this about me but when I get to the point where in good conscience I can't do something, I'm almost physically incapable of doing it. PP was a little perplexed I'm sure. But it just wasn't happening. I agreed to an alternative arrangement though. I would meet with the Princess, another fan (and member of the Super Secret Gossip Group) and her husband on a day when everyone else attending the event was off doing something else. They were probably spending the day going to the beach in Malibu now that I think about it lol.

At the beginning of ROTFL Princess Parking was already calling me stressed out. GrannyCool wasn't letting her do anything. She wasn't listening to her. She wasn't letting her play the role they had all agreed upon. Really, this was my first encounter with GrannyCool's tendency toward dictatorial behavior. I was shocked. But I sided with PP. I had known the Princess too well at this point to know how stress manifests itself with her physically. She was getting migraines (for real) and a flared up ulcer from the frustration.

We had our night with the other fan and her husband (I forget what nickname I assigned her so long ago but I'm sure it had to so with Chicago.) It was a nice reprieve for me and PP. We talked for quite a few hours, especially to try to help the Princess. She was already dealing with some tough stuff in her life, to have ROTFL turn into a disaster for her was exactly what she didn't need at this time. But things would get worse. I did not return to ROTFL at all that year. I bid my Chicago friends goodbye and snuck out avoiding as many people as I possibly could.

I'm not sure how long after it was all over when the other shoe dropped on Princess Parking. But here it was. That fateful night she called me to say Fearless Leader was being really mean to her on IRC. She was already on the outs with GrannyCool since ROTFL. Now, everyone on IRC seemed to have turned against her. I don't think I said I told you so, but more 'I knew this was coming.' That's what they do. Princess was hurt. She was young and sensitive. Much younger than I was when it happened to me, so I think it may have been a little harder to process it all. Why would people do this?

In hindsight now I wonder if GrannyCool may have badmouthed the Princess behind her back. Maybe blamed her for something at ROTFL that didn't go smoothly. Never thought of this until I saw Grans do this to someone recently. Now PP was done with them and done for good. She may have gone through a little revenge cycle, not long afterward...as we all do I suppose. But once she got that out of her system, she never went back. And to this day any talk about The Show or The Fandom between us involve lots of heavy eye rolling.

Before the shenanigans at ROTFL I think I was still occasionally IMing with GrannyCool about random gossip stuff. After what went on between her and Princess Parking, I stopped. She contacted me a couple times to ask if she what she had done to make me stop talking to her. I told her it was really about me just not liking the person I was turning into and that I needed to stay away from the Fandom for a while. Eventually she left me alone.

Lvart was done. PP was done. I was done. I didn't think about the Fandom at all for a good 5 or 6 years. Until one day I received an IM from GrannyCool out of the blue, which brings us full circle to the start of this Fandoms blog:

'Did you see the photos of their reunion?'

'What?!?! No WAY!'

BLOG ENTRY 31:  The Final Frontier

And just like that, they pulled me back in. I know you must be tired of my constant back and forth with this Fandom, but Male and Female Lead's little reunion set me off again. Gossip ensued if nothing else did. Rather than making IRC a nightly thing I started off monthly, then occasionally weekly. I kept my distance.

I did make some new friends revisiting this old territory. Any gossip satiation I needed happened off IRC for a change. The Pink One wasn't new to the show but was new to the Fandom. Poor thing. Although she was very, very young when the show was on the air even back then she could sense something was up. Her timing couldn't have been better as she caught me returning to the fold with my gossipy side re-piqued.

She was very intrigued so I spilled everything I knew to her. I know I took a vow in the past to withhold a lot of this information, but yet again I went with my gut. I felt she was someone I could trust. I could sense in her that curiosity, that need to know that I myself felt so deeply. Plus so much time had passed. Celebrity gossip is such a staple of the internet now. This stuff was old news.

I'm not sure if anyone kept as extensive gossip notes as I did. I still had them. Like my very own cold case file (in my defense detective-ism runs in my family). There are certain things that were circulated back then, other things I kept to myself and have refused to circulate electronically. I promised TPO if we ever met in person I would let her read it, but no copies, no emails, no blog posts, nada, could be made of it.

Luckily she would have an opportunity to see the additional info I had collected when she planned to attend her first ROTFL. I had avoided these for a few years, but being pulled back in to The Fandom had me, and Princess Parking, returning to at least one. The Show was being released on DVD. The DVD producers decided to interview fans for a segment of one of those DVDs. We went for the interview day and found, to our surprise, returning wasn't as bad as we thought it would be. We had fun reconnecting with some of the people for that day. But we wisely didn't stick around too much either. Just enough to make it an enjoyable excursion.

The next ROTFL would be The Pink One's first. She would be attending with a bunch of new fans. Seems TPO's joining the Fandom reinvigorated it. She brought fresh blood (or fresh meat - whichever way you want to look at it) to the old, stale, still hanging on to something types that still hung around IRC after all these years. I have to say her enthusiasm helped bring back some of mine as well. And I was especially excited that she and the new kids were going to come to town and do what I had been pleading with the old guard to do all these years. GET OUT AND SEE THE TOWN!!! (Well, at least I got a small group of them to go to Saddleranch on Sunset one year).

In fact I may have to take some of the blame for what ultimately happened. Pink asked me if it would be okay to do this. I thought why the fuck not? Free country. You don't travel all the way somewhere to stay stuck in a hotel. I encouraged her and the new kids to not worry, go out and have fun. Attend the official events you wanted to and use your free time to explore. I had no idea the shit this would stir.

What made it worse was The Pink One volunteered to help GrannyCool organize the event this year. At least she was trying to help GrannyCool organize the event. It was all too familiar. I would hear TPO express her enthusiasm at being able to participate (oh you Virgos and your organizing), all of the ideas she had and work she intended to put in. But one by one GrannyCool would shoot her down, or micro-manage her. TPO was getting flustered. And I begin to recall Princess Parking meeting a similar fate.

Not easily discouraged TPO was still excited to travel to L.A. and attend ROTFL. But from the first night on, she and the new kids would be the center of unnecessary controversy. It seems the old guard not only expected them to attend all officially planned events whether they wanted to or not, but also unofficially planned events as well (i.e. you are hereby ordered to not leave the hotel, at all, unless the whole group is going).

Honestly, I can understand how this would appeal to the old guard types. When you're older, running around a busy, traffic filled city like Los Angeles doesn't have as much appeal, granted. Especially if you've been here a few times. But when you're young, in your mid-twenties and here for the first time, why in the hell would you want to sit around a hotel to play board games and Wii?!?!? Are you fucking kidding me?!?! Even someone like me, being decade and a half out of my twenties, neither board nor video games hold much appeal to me.

But as soon as TPO and friends went out to meet a friend for dinner one of the first nights, GrannyCool and the old guard were not pleased. That ugliness that weaves through the very core of the Fandom reared its head. Suddenly there was a feeling of us against them. They don't want to hang out with us! They think they're better than us! They didn't invite us to go! Huh?

This attitude would plague ROTFL during its run. Stupid me, with the help of a couple other really cool fans, had to hop in the middle and try to mediate. Good grief, the drama! I was trying to understand both sides, but I really didn't see where the harm was being done by the new kids. In talking to them they decided to give in a little. They would attend a game night, which as far as I remember had never been a required event before, but for some reason was a sore point now. They did, but it still wasn't good enough.

The day of the usual big trip to Malibu, TPO and a few others decided to skip out. That was the day TPO and I met for lunch at The Grove. A place tailor made for TPO with all the shops she loves and some great restaurants (which we both loved). The others, one of whom had a condition in which being in a sunny beach environment would not be good for her, went to the movies there. During lunch I let The Pink One read through my file. She was thankful to have more pieces of the puzzle to play with and it was quite fun to talk about this stuff again with someone who had such enthusiasm for it.

Of course skipping out on the day trip to Malibu became yet another sore point. Since TPO was more of a Female Lead fan, instead I lead her and a few others briefly around the neighborhood where she lived. Why is that so different from the others going to Malibu where Male Lead resides? Other than they pretend they don't go out there for him? I thought it was a fair exchange for the day. Apparently not.

As the days went on the atmosphere at ROTFL got more heated; the drama more intense. To the point TPO was at her wits end. At that point I decided to call Princess Parking and have The Pink One talk to her about dealing with GrannyCool. I had hoped it would relieve some of TPO's stress about this whole trip. I was especially concerned because I knew she had health reasons where it was important she not be stressed out. She had come here to have fun. She had been so excited to help organize and attend this event and it was turning into a living hell.

I have to say I loved one of the new kids blunt response to all this. She was like fuck 'em I'm not apologizing for anything. And she was right. This whole experience, yet again, was a reminder of why I stopped hanging out with these people. Why I was not longer a part of the group. Why I knew how important it was for me to keep my distance. This is fandom, my friends. As bad as this experience may have been for The Pink One and the others, it really became the final, Final, FINAL straw for me. When it ended, I was truly done. And I haven't been back since.

You think I can be drawn back in? I tell you I can't. Not gonna happen. It's finally over. I'm free. In fact after this there were very few people I wanted to associate with from the Fandom. Lvart and Princess Parking are still close friends. From ROTFL on I was able to tell The Pink One exactly what would happen to her next as for as the Fandom and IRC were concerned. I watched her extricate herself and move on. And we still talk from time to time.

Fearless Leader, due to some family concerns, is much less of a leader than she once was. She barely interacts with the others although she is still on IRC practically every night and still hosts the nearly dead message board for The Show.

GrannyCool seems to have taken over the controlling leadership duties of the Fandom. It's very strange that I was once very good friends with this woman. I don't know if I didn't see the bizarreness of some her behavior or if I chose to ignore it. No, it was the latter. We will never have the close relationship we once had, but there's part of me, on the rare occasions we do interact with each other (which are not likely to be initiated on my end), that will always be courteous and friendly to her no matter what, out of respect for our past.

When nothing came of the brief reunion between Male and Female Lead a few years back, I put my interest in their saga pretty much to rest. I still believe someday that will come to a head, but I think it will be years and years down the line. If and when it does, I promise you this, you will not see me popping on IRC.

And that, my friends, is my fandom experience.

Written over the course of 2 years (2008-2010).